worst burnout of my life

Hi. I'm having the worst burnout of my life right now. I'm close to relapse to drug addiction.
After years of sobriety, and learning I was autistic, and managing to be kind of happy with my life, one night a disturbing thought emerged: everyone else is building their own life with their interests and hobbies, getting engaged, etc, and this will move everyone away from you. This coincided also with an autistic friend starting to hang out less frequently than before.

From that night I spiraled down. I am going through the same depression and alienation I went through as a child. It is mentally and physically unbearable. And nothing I do during the day seems to be able to help me. It's like the feeling of emptiness people with BPD describe. I quote: "Like there was never anything and never will be anything and that nothingness is vast and eternal and you are alone."

When my therapist's advice is basically: "You think too much. You should make new friends.", and my friends all seem so distant. It's like I'm burning alive and I would just like to die but I don't want to make my parents suffer. I see drugs as the only solution now. Please help me.

I wrote on another forum, maybe you're also there. I'm not trolling or disregarding people's replies. I'm just hopeless and it's getting worse and I'm looking for concrete help. Thank you

Hi @oakjay - welcome to MSF. I am sorry that you are in a dark place. That must be difficult to get through the days.

Self medication only dulls the mind for a while. The root problem goes on. Your therapist sounds like they are trying to help but getting friends is not easy. I found when I hit the wall that I made online friends at this site and we conversed regularly in chat and that helped somewhat. I had to stop seeing myself as a victim and face my situation and do what I could to remedy the situation.

I joined a support group. If you are interested in meeting people who understand and have tools to help you get over using self medication as a crutch some of these may be worth exploring to see if they are appropriate for you although I have not personally used them.

Just a moment...

Narcotics Anonymous

Smart Recovery Learn About SMART Recovery - SMART Recovery

You also may get support here in the Addiction Forum https://mysupportforums.org/addictions/

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please tag me by including @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

Hi @CANDC and thank you for your reply.
Probably my post appeared to be focused mainly on drugs but that's really not the problem. After years of being sober I have no problem waiting some time more until I am sure I want to take drugs again. The real problem is the feeling I discussed in my post. The more answers I receive the more I am convinced that there is no solution to this. Therapists and lay people all seem to sidestep that issue by focusing on something else, more external, to do, but that feeling remains.

I think getting outside of yourself is a good idea. Maybe volunteer at a place that cares for animals.

At any rate, welcome!

Hi @oakjay, I can relate (I think) to what you described, that feeling of emptiness. I'm sorry I actually have no advice to fix it, but I have felt it too and have also turned to substance to dull it, the unbearable feeling. For me, it's kind of like a feeling of abandonment. I had a real problem with this as a child, I would be overcome with sheer terror about being left behind, left alone. It comes to me still as a middle aged man, like a shudder of horror. One thing that has always helped me, ever since high school, is to go on long walks alone. In a way, I think I was communing with that loneliness, and that was better than trying to make new friends because the friend I needed to make was myself.