Bipolar Check-in #87

Thank you! So are you! 💞

I didn't kill myself yesterday, so that's cool. I didn't get a move-in date because the housing authority is a fustercluck, but my CM said she talked to the landlord and I don't really know. I'm confused on everything because we're told one thing then the opposite. I got an email saying they needed my criminal record, and then I called and they said my file is complete, and then they said they closed my case but not really(?) then reopened it because I was in the hospital (why they did that, I don't know. I was in the hospital. Most people that go to the hospital come out and need to live somewhere after???)

I don't know. I feel uncomfortably elevated right now. Not super high, but just uncomfortable with it. My mouth kept flapping and I told my mom some interesting things about a previous sexual partner she absolutely did not need to know

Actually this might be a trigger bc food so I'll put a box


I have therapy later today and I hope it calms down!

Oh, yesterday, was super angry, decided to lay off the drugs because last time I smoked weed I hallucinated pretty intensely and I really don't want to try getting into this new place hooked on anything else so was sober yesterday! It was really warm, like 40F, so I spent over 4 hours chopping the 3-6" layer of ice on our driveway. I thought for sure I'd be sore af today (especially considering my "break" was a spoon of peanut butter and playing violin for an hour), but no, not at all.

Okay, I'm gonna start getting ready for the day.

Oh man, @JaneOnceMore, I was in Ontario like 2 weeks having sex with that guy I had only met online! At least he was around my age. I didn't make the best decisions around that time for sure, I also got involved dating (and having sex) with a guy I met in the psych hospital after I OD'ed. Probably all that should have been enough for pdocs to diagnose me with bipolar, but you know, afterwards I was really embarassed by it and didn't tell the pdocs and they didn't probe AT ALL. Which if they had I would have told them, same with spending money, it embarassed me, so I didn't tell the pdocs and again they didn't probe. But after showing up manic at a pdoc appt., I got diagnosed with bipolar I, and finally later I admitted such things to that pdoc who had a much more gentle touch and did probe more deeply than others had.

I slept for a total of seven glorious hours, broken to be sure, but at least i logged the hours in. I fell asleep at 9:30pm then started waking up and getting up, til 7:00am.

I am astonished that i slept so late! That's the latest i've slept since Christmas, two months ago! Still in good spirits, and i don't think this is hypomania going on after all. I think this is just my natural good health from a reprieve from my Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD).

I don't feel pressured in speech or writing, i am organized, and on top of my finances. I am more interested in men, but it is more of an amusement, than true hypersexuality. I'm a little loose with the personal information sharing, but i also urgently want people to know me, so i feel it's still healthy, just something new to get used to.

Getting along well with my friends, and having great experiences with cab drivers -- it's a party everytime i take a cab. I make the drivers roar with laughter, i am so colorful. Whatever, this current vignetter is, i am grateful to be feeling strong, and powerful again.

Still feeling lonesome, as i wrote about avove, but it seems to be an insurmountable obstacle currently, so i'd better just accept this is my circumstance in life at this time, this awkward age of 58, and being healthy now that my grief over the passing of my younger sister has abated, and being on private disability benefits, while my peers lead busy live as accomplished professionals, mothers, grandmas, etc. Once my peers retire, and are available for fun times, things will improve. This is just a temporary drought of friendship, and i can survive it.

I contacted a woman from my distant past, when i was thinking of having a travel companion. She turned me down, but said she'd call me later when she had some time. She said it was nice to hear my voice. I didn't expect her to call, but she's a very honorable, and reliable woman, AND SHE DID CALL. We spent about twenty minutes catching up. I was glad to hear all her news, her life has gone very well. So that's the first friend i reconnected with yesterday. We're going to get together for tea when i get back from Cuba.

I reconnected a second time yesterday, this time with my best friend from the Summer of 2022. I apologized for the cranky email that ended our friendship, and she astounded me by apologizing for her own bad behavior which played a role in the failure of our relationship. It was a really good reconnection experience.

Unfortunately, in the two years since it's taken us to reconnect, she's gotten frenetically busy with her grandkids, and legal aid committees. So resumption of our friendship is not possible, due to her being too busy for me now.

I am happy for the time we spent together yesterday, which she insisted on doing face-to-face, and for her advice on my upcoming trip to Cuba. She said it's so safe for a solo woman there, that she travelled in Cuba with a nine-month-old baby! So, i'm very reassured by this news, that I am taking a reasonable risk by travelling to Cuba alone.

Now, just to wait for my passport to process. It's due Tuesday, March 4, in six days, and then i can start making commitments for travel on the 22nd. I'm so worried the airbnb i want will get booked in the interim.

I've contacted the airbnb operators and let them know i'm interested, so at least they have a heads-up that i want the place. People in Cuba are so very poor tho, if they have another party apply to book their airbnb, they'll have to give it away to someone who is willing to pay immediately.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!

@Blueberrybook:

Ah, that is too funny that you were too embarrassed to admit your bipolar hypersexuality and overspending. You're really charming and delightful! And high mood is not ALL bad. Enjoying sex as a young woman is very healthy. I made love all day when i was a young lady, getting out of bed at 4:00pm just to go to dinner, and then back in bed and back at it! High times!

The overspending is a little more dangerous, but even that, with my private disability benefits being so decent, so what if i buy ten pairs of shoes online? I can afford it, and should enjoy my money. God knows, i suffered enough to get it. Why not indulge, and have some fun with it?

So enjoying your presence here on the forum, Blueberrybook. You're so honest, brave, and adroit! It's always a pleasure to hear from you!

Sorry right now I don't have it in me to respond to everyone. I woke up at 3:15 AM this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so I'm pretty tired. I want to try to take a nap. But I need to make sure my daughter gets up for her 10 AM class; she is having some big AP U.S. history review. She could sleep through anything! I don't know how she will manage a job when she grows up unless she does something on a night shift; she is a major night owl and definitely not a morning person!

Yes, very lucky I did not catch anything in those days. I was a hurt when the guy I dated from the psych ward basically did ghost me to go back to his ex. And I did meet H online...but that turned out all right as we've been married for 20 yr. now, and I haven't cheated on him with other men except in dreams. Are those type dreams bad where you cheat on your ex? And not always with a guy but like a woman I knew in college or a girl from my high school class. Never thought of myself as being bisexual other than having dreams of those sorts.

OK, that is probably TMI, going to nap now. Lack of sleep makes me a bit hypomanic.

I'm doing good today. I got back to sleep until 5. My moods and anxiety are fine. I don't have any plans today. I have a bad craving for eggs and it is the wrong time. I got a Dunkins wake up wrap for breakfast which was affordable.

Tommorow I get my contacts and my eyes dilated and the cataracts looked at. I feel ok right now about it.

I wish I knew why sometimes I need all 3 valium before 7AM and other times I'm good until noon without one. I've been trying forever to get on a schedule. I have a med box that my mom fills each week. She said try to take a valium at 7AM noon and like 8PM or something. Probably around 4 because of my sleep schedule.

My mom and I were talking about the Pope which then got us talking about my dad who died in 2014 and I said that I have no recollection of the burial service at the cemetary. I was so checked out I just can't remember it. All I remember is my brother in laws folks saying bye to me and my brother.

@Blueberrybook:

I've never had a sexual experience with a woman either, but i suspect i am bi. It would be easier to have a relationship of equality with another woman, because there is not the wide gender gulf to constantly bridge. I find girl-on-girl porn very beautiful, but not SEXUALLY exciting, which probably means i'm het. There'd be so many advantages to partnering with a woman, tho, i think i could disregard the fact that the sex was erotic but not red-hot exciting. After my disastrous experience with my X, i'm looking to try a relationship with a woman, as i want to try something different than what i've tried in the past, since i've gotten such bad results with men. Men are sexy and all, but at 58, my desire for sex is not that strong. A relationship of equals would overwhelm any short-comings of the experience in the bedroom. Or kitchen. Or forest. Or rollecoaster!

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We're all posting picture of our artwork, so here is one of mine that i did in my teens when i was into visual art in a big way. It is a self-portrait of me as a toddler, drawn from a Polaroid my dad took. It came second in a survivor art contest. There was an uproar that it didn't get first prize. First prize when to an unremarkable abstract painting that had nothing to do with survivorship.

Once, when i was in my early thirties, it was 2:30am, and all my male friends were asleep, and i felt like some sex.

It was high-risk behavior, and i'm lucky nothing bad happened. I abandoned that behavior when my private disabiity benefits came in a year later, and have been abstinent ever since, 26 years now. I sometimes get lonely for sex, These days, i don't even do that, i'm so disinterested. I guess i'm sort of A-sexual now -- not desiring sex with ANY gender.

Bet you were all dying to know the sexual preferrences of a fat old lady!!!

Just had these pretzels coated in a yogurt frosting. Sooooooooooooo good!!!

Man this Wegovy is tough. The side effects! Imagine having a headache every single day ALL day that only goes away for an hour or two when you take paracetamol. And there’s bowel issues too. When you have to go you have to go but can’t because you’re at work! I’m still losing weight so I’m just going to tough out the side effects but right now running on a treadmill seems the easier option even though I’m allergic to exercise LOL. I double my dose in 10 days time so the side effects are only going to get worse. Be careful of taking weight loss injections because I’ve learned the hard way it’s not for everyone. Plus it costs a fortune so you need some kind of stable income to be able to afford it.

@JaneOnceMore those pretzels covered in yoghurt sounds bloody DELICIOUS

@JaneOnceMore - That is a brilliant drawing; I'm sorry it didn't win first place, looks like it deserved to. So you're planning a trip to Cuba? That's awesome! I haven't travelled in a LONG time. I did go to Europe (the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Poland, Austria, Hungary) when I with 17 with my sister 16 in a travel group (my parents knew the lady in charge of the group, and my paternal grandmother loved travel, and she financed the trip, my parents would not have been able to afford it). I was well-behaved in Europe. Hard to get away with any nonsense in a travel group with your sister along And of course, I had my stint in Ontario. Otherwise, just been back and forth to Los Angelos a few times to visit my inlaws; we started driving there, flying got such a nightmare, but it is a LONG drive, and my daughter is prone to car sickness, so not always easy. And MIL has passed away, FIL is in a sort of assisted living place, and H doesn't get along with his sister at all, so we have not made any trips out there recently.

@Crazy Hitch - Sorry about your Wegovy experiences. I used to have headaches all the time from one of the meds I took, Effexor maybe? That was miserable. Absolutely nothing helped it except a med change.

@MuddyBoots - We're all glad you're still here. I'm sorry it's been such a rough time for you right now. Sorry things with your ED are not going well. I do know from experience and you probably do too, no matter how much weight you lose, it will never be enough, which is why I decided to at least maintain a healthy weight, enough so the pdoc & PCP are not on my back about it because at least this way I don't feel like absolute crap all the time. But it helps to be sober too. I hope your therapy goes well!

Interesting @Blueberrybook I’m on Effexor too! But I definitely don’t think it’s from the Effexor because I’ve been on it for over a year with no issues. Unless it’s the interaction off Effexor and Wegovy .., that’s always a possibility! I’ll keep an eying it!

I had a nice nap but feel like I could crawl back into bed and nap some more. It doesn't help that I started my period, which is making me even more tired. Really inconvenient, I was to have a gynecologist appt. this Thursday, and now I had to reschedule for March 13. I'm sure it's nothing but one time recently H said he felt rough spots during intercourse (and not from my IUD strings), but since that was a first, I just want to get it checked out.

I did pilates this morning, and I am thankful only my calves are a bit sore from jogging yesterday. Maybe the Espom salt bath helped. I read with the SAD lamp. Drew a little, but didn't draw anything too impressive: a brown rat, a couple strawberries, a 2nd pineapple in a different style. I had to stop by the store for pickles and lunchmeat, and then I went to Starbucks. They were out of nearly all the lunch sandwiches except grilled cheese! I finally got a turkey bacon and egg white breakfast sandwich for lunch. Brought my daughter home a mocha frappucino; she is running on 4 hr. sleep; I don't know how she does it! Got a frappucino for myself, but it is not waking me up!
All sketches from today in the Creative Corner thread.
Here's a 2nd pineapple drawing:

compared to the first:

The first might be a bit better, I don't know, but I wasn't working on so little sleep this morning. They were from 2 different drawing workbooks by different authors with different drawing styles.

Love your pineapple drawing @Blueberrybook it’s fabulous. So life like. It’s great that you have such a creative outlet. I’m going to look into some online Pilates lessons so I might be joining you shortly!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch Love your pineapple drawing @Blueberrybook it’s fabulous. So life like. It’s great that you have such a creative outlet. I’m going to look into some online Pilates lessons so I might be joining you shortly!

I posted a couple from the pilates series I use just now in the Exercise thread!

Awesome I’m going to check them out. Could be very useful! Thanks for sharing.

Hello, I had an okay day today so far. Didn't really do much. Woke up this morning around 6am then a couple hours later took a 3 hour nap. I feel pretty good today. Sat outside for a bit. Tomorrow I have art group at my mental health clinic.
Just mostly been laying around watching stuff on Netflix. Been a kind of lazy day.

Have some wood glue I ordered arriving in a little bit, probably like 30 min from now or less. Its like 5 stops away. Gonna use it to assemble my paintbrush holder. Since that came in separate pieces and you're supposed to assemble it yourself.

I might paint tonight, I'm not sure, I probably should as I haven't done much of anything today

I am SO tired...periods are such a drag. Ready to get dinner over and done with and go back to bed!

Things are just getting from bad to worse. My ex mother-in-law sent me a damaging letter stating that she is going to have Social Security investigate me because I was her son's payee. I am so shattered right now. I didn't keep receipts for anything he told me to spend with his money, and I am so afraid of getting in trouble. She got really mad at me because I cursed her out during my manic episode - I was out of my mind, but not everyone forgives. I feel this is God's way of punishing me. I am so distraught, why I am being punished so bad for this manic episode in November? Just when I thought things were getting better, a big hammer gets dropped on my head.

I'm going to be talking to my psychiatrist next week about my diagnosis. I think complex PTSD makes more sense than the schizoaffective disorder bipolar.

I saw my therapist today. Things went much better than last week and we talked through some of my nightmares so hopefully those will stop. The worst nightmare is hard to get past but I did sleep pretty well last night so hopefully that's the end of those.

I'm really tired after my trip so I hope that I can get to sleep early and sleep all night.

@JaneOnceMore I'm impressed you go out to eat on your own. I've gone to movies by myself, but always bring food home if I want to pick up food but don't have anyone to go with me. If I'm going to go out a sit somewhere, I go to a coffee shop.

@LadyShadow I'm so sorry. As someone who has also struggled with feeling like I'm being punished by God because of my bipolar disorder, if you like rock music, the song Good Enough for God by Citizen Soldier might help you through this. It flat out says "I've never felt so lost trying to be good enough for God."

What a week this has been at work! We've had a safety thing come up that required serious intervention, a poor kiddo got sick in the middle of class (not mine), and we had a fire drill. And, it's only Tuesday. I got another good walk in today-at a local park-though so that was nice. I might have over did it a little-I'll probably rest tomorrow, especially since I don't want to be coming and going for a walk while my roommate is on an important video call.

Has anyone had Humana/Centerwell for Med D? Were they difficult? It seems like i have to call them about every script. This time Humana site says I owe $0 for the script and they charged me $20. I can't deal with it tonight so I'll handle it tomorrow. They're very nice but it's a lot of phone calls. On the other hand the coverage is very cheap, just $29/month. I may be getting what I am paying for but they were the only ones that covered clozaril in a way I could afford. Sort of. But that's another story.....