I feel like I failed (but I didn't)

Summary of the post for those who struggle reading longer posts: I'm struggling with how differently my life has turned out (compared to what I wanted) because of choices i made when I was, unknowingly, experiencing either mania or hypomania (not sure which one it would be considered).

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Moving recently, and the end of the school year, has me reflecting a bit about where I'm at in life. And, it hit me: I feel like I failed because my life is nothing like I wanted it to be. But, I didn't fail. The reason my life looks completely different is because of choices I made when I was, unknowingly, first experiencing bipolar symptoms (either manic or hypomanic, not sure which it's considered) caused my life to take a drastically different turn.

I don't know, this feeling of failure despite it being bipolar's fault just stood out to me because it's the first time I've felt like I've failed because of my bipolar disorder. Not a fun feeling to have at all.

And, I think one of the reasons I expect my mood to be on the low end throughout the summer is because all this down time leaves few distractions from this fact that I don't like how my life has turned out.

I'd give anything to go back in time and actually reach out for help when I had the thought "If this isn't bipolar disorder, I don't know what is." But, I was quickly to lost in the manic (hypomanic?) thoughts to get the help I needed. Because I can't go back in time to make my life go in the way I wanted, it feels like the choices I made when experiencing undiagnosed, unrecognized, symptoms have led to a life sentence of being unhappy because I'm always going to want what I can no longer have.

I hope my pdoc appointment will go in a way where I can talk with him about this on Tuesday.

Hi @June08 thanks for sharing what you wrote. It's something I can relate to a lot. I sometimes feel like I had to go back in time and rescue my old self from the derailments that caused the (non-) failure. I think you make an important point, and it's well taken, that it isn't failure ---and it's actually success. There may be an alternate timeline where you never got the help you needed at all. I'll keep this in mind too as I also prepare for a summer with lots of possible lows in sight.

You bring up some interesting points I haven't thought of. I wonder what going back in time to rescue my old self would look like. Maybe, when I'm emotionally ready, writing a letter to my past self would help. Thinking about how there could have been an alternate timeline where I never got help is also something to think about. Or, one where I stopped taking my meds (I've been tempted to do this in the past when very depressed). Who knows how my life would have played out.

Sorry you also are looking at a summer where you might have a lot of lows throughout it.

Hey @June08 - you know I relate to this a lot especially after the manic episode I had last year. I lost my job, the man I loved so much, and everything I worked so hard to build. I managed to keep important things, like my home, my car, and some of my friends, but the things I lost are like a knife in my chest. I often wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have bipolar. I know I would have succeeded at things, or maybe I wouldn't have. My alcoholism is a factor in this too.

I do like the idea of writing a letter to younger self. My sponsor had me do that once, and it was a very interesting exercise. I do wish you a good summer ahead, I know it might be tough with idle time. I know you have a deep faith, so what I have been doing, (which I suggest for you to), is to talk to God about it. Leave your failures at Jesus' feet. That's what I have been trying to do, because everyday I feel like a big fat failure.

@June08 I also really like the idea you mentioned of writing a letter to past self. I might try this myself. If you do so, feel free to share the results (I understand the letter itself might be very personal, but if you feel comfortable sharing what the experience lent to you...)

I too mourn the loss of who I could’ve been had bipolar not hijacked my brain! Right before I was diagnosed I tried going back to school full time as a pre-nursing student- this was 2004/5. But anatomy class was like water off a duck’s back- the information just rolled over my brain instead of going inside. That and had I not gotten married but finished music school in 1995 I could’ve been a music teacher! But bipolar just ate my brain somehow. All those uncontrolled episodes of psychosis and the kindling that happened - each successive episode is worse than the one before it- with it was too much! BUT …. I raised 3 successful, intelligent, kind, right AND left-brained children who are doing well in life. And I managed to preserve their childhoods through my photography and recording the clever and funny things they said over the years! In fact, I made books of the photos and quotes! I sing in church choir with my youngest and I try to spend time with my kids when they have a free moment.

By the way- great topic!!

Thanks @Moose72! Also, I think it's really cool that you've made books with pictures and quotes. Those must be so fun to look through!

They are! Here’s an example. My youngest son then age 9 came downstairs from playing with his 5-year-old cousin and said “Ella wanted to play hide-and-seek so I told her to go find her conscience.”!

@Moose72 Kids say the darnedest things!

Yes and I saved TONNES of them!

I never had a chance. Eating disorder at 7. First Hallucinations at 12 by 14 I should have been hospitalized. moved out at 16 and dropped out at 17. Went to college decided to have a child at 18 and that's when ppp hit. 20 years of being a stay at home mom and I'm finally medicated to the point I can try. I was supposed to be a Pixar animator, living alone, surviving off oranges. This life is so much better but I did fail because I'm 41 and not successful.

My life didn't turn out the way I envisioned it either. I was set up for success: high school valedictorian, graduated summa cum laude from a good university in a rigorous degree path, got an M.S. in Cell & Molecular Biology. But during college, the ED reared its head and then came depression and bipolar mania though. Despite bipolar, I made it through college and grad school and even ended up meeting H and getting married (which some part of me had thought I'd never meet a man I'd want to marry). I got pregnant and had a daughter, but then the cracks really began to show postpartum, and I had to get on psych meds and then more serious psych meds and then finally was actually diagnosed with bipolar. I tried working 3 times but never lasted longer than a month at any job before having a major breakdown. Finally, I ended up a homemaker and stay-at-home mom.

I always thought I'd have a fantastic career but it never happened. For a long time, I felt a complete failure at the career aspect of my life especially. But I am glad I got to stay home with my daughter and she never had to go to daycare. She's a bit different type of kid, not autistic but just at the edge of the spectrum and many things took extra patience with her (which I tried my best, but face it, I definitely wasn't perfect either). And I was able to help her with her homework in elementary school, go to all her school functions and awards before she started online school (with the COVID outbreak).

I definitely feel I failed the potential I had when I first graduated high school. On the other hand, I am so proud of the young woman my daughter has grown up to become, and I know I was a big part of that, a bigger part perhaps than I would have been had I had a career. I have a husband and a good marriage, and I never thought that would happen either.