[Nammu]

We’re running out of thread. So here’s the new one.

[Blue_Bird]

Thanks for the new thread Nammu!

I fell back asleep for awhile. I’ve got about 4 hours till my therapy appointment. I’m probably gonna bring up my paranoia regarding my meds. Just to see if she has any tips for when I start feeling that way.

[Blue_Bird]

Took a quick walk outside. It’s too hot for me out there. But at least I got out and in the sun a bit. The treadmill is working hallelujah!!! Apparently there wasn’t anything wrong with it. It just wasn’t plugged in all the way. Lol Thank God. I really am glad I can start using it again.

[Mountaindewed]

I woke up at 5:30 or so feeling great and I finally had the energy to tackle my mess in the garage. I had therapy at 9 and it went very well. We did more of our somatic workouts.

I had to go to walmart to get some jeans and my mom walked off to the food section and I went to the mens section and the jeans were a mess. I finally found 3 pairs and I went to the fitting room and a mom and her young daughter were waiting there and there was a button that said press for assitance. So of course I thought they had pressed the button and were waiting for an employee to unlock the door. 5 minutes goes by and no one comes. Then a dressing room door opens and another young girl comes out. Who is with them. And they are trying on bras. So I went and immediatly pressed the button and I felt like a creep. But like why didn't they tell me they were waiting for someone in the fitting room and not an employee. It still took 10 minutes to get someone to unlock the door for me.

Yeah I think I can tell by that expirence of going off by myself and also not just leaving the jeans, that I'm making some good improvements in my anxiety. Possibly I've gotten my energy back from the iron pills. Or the stuff I'm working on in therapy.

[Blueberrybook]

H has finally decided our water heater has reached the end of its lifespan and needs to be replaced. So this afternoon, it will be replaced. Thank goodness! I have had about 1 hot shower in 2 weeks, and the rest have been cold. I also really want to soak in an Epsom bath as it helps with keeping my muscles more relaxed. Unfortunatley, it is going to cost $1400 to replace. But then I got the mail, and I received a check for $1500 from a class action settlement with a Citibank lawsuit (it was either a privacy breach and/or unwarranted robocalls). Of course, over $600 we will be taxed on it next tax season, but it came at an opportune time. Especially since I'm going to need $1000 of dental work starting in June.

Usually when I enter these class action settlements, I'll get something like $5-$10, but I guess this Citibank was a big one.

[LadyShadow]

Had a hard time getting going this morning, was feeling a little depressed. My heart is just aching, and I just wish it would stop. All of this is so hard. I am glad I didn't have to worry too much about work today. I will be going to my Young Adult meeting a little later in the afternoon, so that should be fun. I don't really want to go though, because I've been feeling kinda bad, but I am going to go and support my friends.

Thanks for the new thread @Nammu - I didn't realize how far along we had gotten in the old one. Going to try and stay positive today. Going to make my bed and take a shower. That always lifts my spirits.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

We went through that last thread quickly. A littl less than a month. It does seem like there should be more than 80 though, I agree.

The A key just stuck on my computer. Off to try to pry it back into place.

[Blueberrybook]

I painted a beet today. It's a bit rough, didn't quite turn out as well as I'd hoped. I need to wake my daughter; we'll be heading for her voluntee shift at the library after lunch. It looks like it's going to storm outside, and I hope the rain will have passed by then.

[MuddyBoots]

Today I tried getting a secured credit card to build credit so I can get a car and maybe even move somewhere else some day without being ripped off and be risking credit fraud vs bank account fraud, but apparently they don't allow people in supportive or transitional (or whatever this place counts as) to have credit cards despite having an address they pay monthly rent for.

Today was going to be a rest day, but between going to therapy, picking some stuff at the groceries, and going to the bank I already got over 10,000 steps in and I am PISSED and ENERGIZED so I'm going to listen to early Linkin Park while doing bodyweight exercises until I hurt, then I'm going to take another shower with a cold rinse, then go read in the community room.

Possible trigger: talking w/t and to my PCPs nurse/food stuff

So told my T I was struggling with eating, but the food obsession is helping me not self-harm (via stuff like cutting/burning/etc.), drink, get high, and numbs out any ability to think about the real pain, but she said I looked good/better than before I had my IEA (had 20mg of diazepam before going btw, and told her that)(I didn't tell her this but I didn't have breakfast beyond putting a little bit of almond milk in some tea and am planning on only having liquids today so I wasn't having post-meal/pre-meal anxiety either), so that wasn't really talked more about. I have this thing now where the nurse calls once a month for a check-in which I guess was today and she asked about my diet and I said I was struggling to eat, she said "on your last PCP visit mid-April your weight was [x] so I guess you don't really even need to lose more" and I didn't tell her I lost over 15lbs since then. She's going to check and see why the GI referral is taking forever, but when they call to ask for an appointment just going to say "not interested anymore, everyone's telling me the pain is just a manifestation of anxiety and my abdominal CT scan said everything's good, so I'm sure I'm fine."

So, yeah, going to go take my anger out in the healthiest way I know how (which I guess is unhealthy right now, but whatever, I could choose some WAYYY WORSE things I want to do right now, so I'm at least considering it harm reduction)

[LadyShadow]

Finally took a shower and made my bed. I should feel accomplished, but my heart is so heavy. I feel so lost in life. I wish I had a purpose or someone to love me. It is so hard. I feel so alone.

[June08]

@LadyShadow Not feeling like you have a purpose is SO difficult. I've been struggling with this somewhat as well. With summer break here, I've decided I have one purpose: to stay alive/take steps to not let SI get to bad. It's not the type of purpose I'm used to having, but it's something. Could your current purpose be something connected to your mental health as well? Trying to keep it at a certain level maybe?

[raspberrytorte]

Had an appointment with my therapist this morning and she made me feel a bit better. Told me that I need to be patient and my muse will come back to me, that I just need to wait for my well to fill up again. We talked about my med situation and didn't come to any solutions regarding that because she agrees with me that every med I try tapering off of ends in some sort of disaster! 😭 So I guess I just have to work on accepting being a walking pharmacy.

Walking pharmacy for life! Yippie!

My brain has been permanently damaged. I really think it has! Because I obviously cannot function without these stupid meds. It's SO depressing. 😭

[raspberrytorte]

Oh, this is simply out of curiosities sake, but how old are you all? I'm 42.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm 49.....

[Mountaindewed]

I'm 32....

[Blueberrybook]

I’m 47 years old.

Raspberry I am also a walking pharmacy. Getting off clonazepam meant getting on buspirone, propranolol, hydroxyzine AND an extra 50 mg Seroquel. At times these meds have unsuccessfully been decreased but I always end up right back where I started. But I am not on a benzo, right? Actually I do function better off a benzo though I wish getting off it hadn’t required so many additional meds.

[Blue_Bird]

I’m 30, turning 31 next week.

I had a good therapy session. We talked about how my trauma from the lithium toxicity back when I was 19 (which included kidney failure and seizures and an 8 day ICU stay) affected me and how it makes me wary of meds and their affects even to this day.

We’re gonna be doing more EMDR next appointment

[Nammu]

I’m 66
"………

[Blueberrybook]

I'm sorry for all of you having difficulties right now.

I feel a bit guilty to report I'm still doing fine, stable, pretty happy especially now that the hot water heater replacement is underway, and I will be able to take hot showers & baths again! I did start my period today which probably explains why I was extra-stressed about my bad dental checkup yesterday. But today I'm thinking I'm just glad it wasn't worse. Things always can be worse. Painting has been very therapeutic for me of late, that's been such a blessing...and a surprise to discover a skill I never knew I had approaching nearly 50 years old!

We're going to my nephew's graduation party tomorrow. It's a bit of a drive there and back. But it will be good to see most members of my family again (have an aunt & uncle I really don't care much for at all). It will be good to see my grandmother too. She will be turning 92 years old June 2, so there will be a little celebration for her too.

I hope things start going better for everyone here. Bipolar & other co-morbidities are such a difficult lifelong battle.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Oh, this is simply out of curiosities sake, but how old are you all? I'm 42.

A very immature 73.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Oh, this is simply out of curiosities sake, but how old are you all? I'm 42.

According to my mom and birth certificate, I'm 28, according to pro-lifers I'm 29, but say that 8 years ago at a bar or 21+ club no matter how much you press any beliefs you don't believe in, they won't buy that argument.

Honestly feel like I'm permanently 14 though.

[Crazy Hitch]

I’m 47 years old

[LadyShadow]

I'm 44. Fat, ugly ogre that's so horrible no one will ever love. I wish I could disappear.

[Blue_Bird]

@LadyShadow none of those things are true about you, I understand feeling that way though I feel that way about myself sometimes. But just know you’re a beautiful person inside and out and you are such kind sweet caring person

[Blue_Bird]

I got some water color journals I’m gonna try out.

Therapy was good. But exhausting. I always feel tired after therapy. Which is probably good I guess since it means we’re doing good work.

My cats got a new toy and they’re going absolutely wild over it. It’s one of those fishing rod type ones

I missed bingo today cause I had therapy. That’s okay though. I still have to go to the pharmacy so I’m doing that tomorrow. Tomorrow the Lamictal gets increased.

I feel pretty good. Just tired though and ready for bed. It’s been 3 days without dissociation.