rage

Does anyone else here ever get this distinct feeling that they don't belong in the world? I know it's a scary thing to say but I feel it sometimes, I get these horrific attacks of rage, completely private of course, where I think I can't possibly go on. I just think I must be some kind of alien here.

You are definitely not an alien alone in these feelings. Depression can make me irritable and hypomania ALWAYS gives me irritability. When struggling with SI, I don't necessarily feel like I don't belong; I just wish I had never existed in the first place. I've had thoughts of not feeling like I can go on when both hypomanic and depressed.

Thanks @June08. That helps to try and put it in kind of context. I think when I get ...I don't know exactly what to call it... an attack of horrible rage, then I feel some kind of fear and guilt in real time as it's happening, so that might lead to the feelings of being an alien and not being a real human or whatever it is. I'm not on any medication but I might be self-medicating with alcohol. Also, I've heard that thing you said, the wish to have never existed in the first place. Sorry to hear you struggle with that at times. I think my rage gets so intense that to never have existed is less satisfying than the wish to SH or something. It's almost like I am glad I exist so I can punish myself for existing.

I think what you're noticing is a big difference between how you perceive and relate to the world and how others do and how they understand you.

It's a complex interplay. If you can, try to step back and look for patterns. I think this, or something close to it might become apparent.

I can only really speak to my own experience when I finally became aware of this big gap/difference. I had been trying to offer those around me ways into myself with the idea that they might appreciate where I'm coming from and what I'm dealing with.

Of course, they neither could nor wanted to understand, so they used my "weakness" against me and did so very effectively.

So, I changed the only thing I could: myself. I stepped back from trying to be understood and focused on enjoying the parts of my life that resonated with me.

I'm not completely withdrawn, but I choose not to engage in situations that might expose me to conditions that are bad for me, especially emotionally.

I've compressed years of experience into a few sentences here, so this was not a quick fix, and I continue to work on it.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response, @Scooter9. I hadn't seen the issue the way you described it. Luckily I was able to take 24 hours to clean up my act and think about my outburst.

There is definitely a gap like what you described, but I think it's more so between who I am and how I picture “a functional human adult” is supposed to look. When I get in this headspace, I feel like an unassimilated animal, like I haven't fully assimilated into human ways. That's the gap I wish I would cross, but my destructive tendencies disrupt my attempts to cross it, because there is a part of me that, I have long suspected, doesn't want to. I want it to, but it doesn't want to. And it has good reason not to want to, after all, the world is a horribly dangerous place, why would it want to belong in such an environment? The trick I think is convincing it that I'm not gonna abandon it even as I bring myself and it more deeply and fully into the world.

I think you hit on something very relevant to me in this moment: you mentioned “conditions that are bad for me, especially emotionally.” I admire that you’ve been able to separate yourself from that without completely withdrawing from the world. I hope I will continue making progress to do the same, one aspect of which is probably to cut out or drastically cut back on intoxicants for the time being.