Understanding my friend with BPD

Hello BPD forum

My friend of several years has BPD and anxiety is very in-the-moment and impulsive.
I am trying to understand why my friend with BPD can often be so pleasantly intense and close while with me or my friends and appear keen to be involved in activities.
But in between our meetings, they are Distant.
I can feel let down when they do not stick to what we agreed to.
It is like speaking to a different person when I phone to find out where they are. They have lost all the enthusiasm they had when we met in person.

Distant: for example, they limit the length of time and number of meetings with others. When invited, they often want to stay at home on their own. They only seem to want to interact in person. They do not reply to simple messages, including when helped, but acknowledge received if asked. While in person, they appear overly keen and say they enjoy the company and should do it again soon. Their words often do not hold once they leave. I have done some reading on BPD.

Is this Distant behaviour likely a protection mechanism from becoming overly attached to people?

I would have thought my friend's intense and close interactions with people could increase their chance of becoming attached?
If they do not want to get attached to others, their way of interacting would strangely work against them?

I guess due to BPD, they like or have little control over this intense and close way of interacting?

Pat

welcome to MSF @Pat0 - I am sorry that your friend is so challenging to understand and predict their behaviior.

I deal with a friend with Bipolar Disorder - not sure if you mean that or BPD could mean borderline personality disorder also. They are very different but their initials are easily confused.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

I have BPD and can relate to this some. For me it's because when I'm around other people I can read them a lot better and adapt to them a lot more, and "feed off the vibes" I guess is one way of putting it.

People with BPD often have anxious or anxious-avoidant attachment styles. I have anxious-avoidant, so there's the "want" of intimacy and the fear of it too. I think in person the want takes over and when I'm alone the fear takes over. Possibly. Just speaking for myself as something your friend might or might not relate to.

For me, engaging takes SO MUCH energy. Its like starting a cold engine. Once its running, its fine, its fun, but starting it up, OMG! So if you call randomly, you could be calling while the engine is off, or being taken apart for repairs!

Is it not just basic politeness for us to respond? Well, if we had been raised with basic politeness, it would be in our repetoire to do so, yes. But its not.

Hello Forum
Just confirm I meant Borderline Personality Disorder by BPD. @canc

It appears to me that the core symptom of BPD and its subtypes is always emotional dysregulation, (including strong emotions and rapidly changing emotions)
For a BPD diagnosis, it is not essential to have abandonment and engulfment concerns, but they are very common.
When I initially wrote my post, I wrongly thought abandonment and engulfment concerns were always present in BPD.
My friend with BPD for many years is very impulsive and did get very angry with me once.
I am aware of Bipolar 1 and 2 the old name Manic depression, but that is not their condition.

Unfortunately, I have felt let done by my friend at times.
I think it is their over-enthusiasm that misleads/confuses me.

Hi MuddyBoots


As I have know my friend with BPD for years, I think what you describe is part or what is going on. I have read people with BPD can be good at pick up others emotions I guess more so in person. I have also read it can be quiet tirering/overloading as well though picking up on all these emotions.

There is quiet a dramatic change in personality from on the phone quiet to in person lively which I have observed. They ration the amount of time they willing to mix, which is a different puzzel. It has caused problems when out as they went in to a rage once. Because they wanted to get home earlier. It often could just be triedness, maybe I am looking to deep thinking it might be abandonment or engulfing concerns.