A deep cry

Yesterday I saw something on the internet - I don't remember what it was - that had that "heartwarming" mood to it. As I laughed along at whatever wholesome thing it was, I suddenly found my body trying to switch into crying. I wasn't aware of any sad feelings, actually I was giving myself a lot of joy that day by sleeping in, playing guitar, and having a little to drink and smoke, since my work goes on break for the summer. I held the feeling at bay at first, but then it happened again - like I was choking - and I thought for physiological reasons I would just "let it out." (I was alone in my apartment, so had the freedom to do this.) I'm not sure it felt good per se, but like scratching a deep itch, the kind you might have when you first get a cast removed. I went back to whatever lazy recreational activity I'd been indulging in while mindlessly perusing the internet, and then it happened again: I chuckled at some "pets being friends" type of video and suddenly the laugh turned into a cry again. Like a tickle in the back of my eyes and throat. Or like a dry heave. So I leaned into it again and this time the itch was much deeper. I really hate doing this, but I let myself feel bad, I acknowledged that there was this horrible unhappiness in me (an unhappiness that is beyond repair), I admitted to myself that I missed so-and-so, that I wished this-and-that, that I was terribly worried about everything. I let myself feel the deep yearning and regret and even whispered, barely outloud (like halfway between thinking it and whispering it) some of the thoughts and feelings I will never say. And the cry went full throttle into a spasm, like a heat deep in my chest, and I leaned into it, I let it just throw me forward. I didn't make any sound, but like a deep silent bellow, like a long continuous breath. I'm always afraid to let myself feel this because I don't want to deal with what's lurking in there. Partly I know it's irreparable and something I just have to live with, and partly it's just messy, complicated and a nuisance that will bleed into work and family life in ways I won't be able to clean up.

But when I momentarily let my body handle the despair, I actually felt rejuvenated afterwards. And because I put those unspeakable thoughts into the cry itself, I was able to leave them afterwards. I think in a way I was able to trust my body to cleanse itself of some of this tension.

Of course, this was all predicated on my freedom that day to let loose a little, and it's probable that my substance intake shook some things loose or just made me more susceptible to emotional outbursts. It's an experiment to try to recreate while sober, I guess. Anyway, I'm normally afraid of crying but in this situation I was able to "get it all out" and leave it where I left it for some reason. So I figured I'd share this because I know I can't be the only one who bottles up their feelings in here.

Thank you for sharing this @eksistor - you are not the only one.

I have lost both my parents in the last few years and I am surprised how deep the grief ran. I sometimes use humor to brighten my mood but feelings can open up feelings in surprising ways. There is no way to predict how something we read or see can elicit that crying response. It happens. I tend to feel better after that but it comes out of seemingly nowhere.

I try to avoid intoxicants because it tends to distort the events of my life and amplify feelings including depression because I cannot maintain a happy feeling with intoxicants.

CANDC

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Thanks for your reply, @CANDC. I'm sorry about the loss of your parents. I still have both of mine, but the timer has recently begun on one of them. You are absolutely right that the eruption of grief is so often unpredictable.

What I learned @eksistor is to show gratitude while they are alive. Say the things you want to express that are signs of appreciation for all they gave to me. Forget the negative stuff. The kindness they gave far outweighs that, even if it was just keeping me alive when I was a helpless infant. Having expressed that I had an easier time when they were gone knowing I had in some way expressed my gratitude directly to them.

CANDC

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What you described struck a chord with me. There’s something powerful and almost involuntary about the kind of cry you wrote about, where it comes not from a specific thought but from somewhere deeper in the body. It’s like the emotional dam breaks without warning, and your body knows something before your mind catches up.

I’ve had similar moments, those surprising emotional shifts triggered by something seemingly light or heartwarming. It’s strange how a laugh can flip into a sob, like two sides of the same coin. I think a lot of us carry around feelings that don’t surface until the right (or maybe the wrong) mix of stillness, solitude, and vulnerability comes along.

@CANDC I try hard to come out of their shadow taking accountability for my own choices and separating that from issues between us. At least that's the goal I am striving for. As difficult as it can be to just have a conversation at times, I don't want to ignore that opportunity before they go.

@lauport Welcome to the forum and thanks for your reply. I think you're totally right there are times when "your body knows something before your mind catches up." I think being open to those moments is tough when there's a lot going on, but it's also hard to predict and therefore not easy to make time to safely allow vulnerability.

It can be difficult to have a conversation and sometimes I would just thank my mom for all that she did to get me to adulthood @eksistor - she did not always understand why I was thanking her because she thought that is just what parents do.

I wish I could straight forwardly communicate that kind of gratitude to both my parents (and step parents) @CANDC but I'm held back by emotional complications. Nevertheless I do feel that and will try to begin to articulate it in an authentic way

I had emotional complications @eksistor but I asked myself how long am I going to dwell on the mud? And when I start thinning about it my life is a lot better off than many people. I am glad I expressed it even if my dad had dementia and my mother did not get it. I feel better knowing I did my best to express it.

I am glad I used the time I had with them wisely.

CANDC

@CANDC So sorry about your father. That must have been very painful to go through. My maternal grandmother had alzheimers in her final years and it was very strange and obviously extremely difficult for my mom.

the hardest thing was trying to live in his world @eksistor - when mom could no longer care for him he went to a care home because we lived two hours away from them and they would not relocate. Even in the care home he thought he was in his house.

The challenge for me was letting go of the hope that he would accept me just the way I am inside instead of wanting me to be the child he dreamed of.

CANDC

The way you describe it @CANDC is very evocative. It sounds like there was a challenge to share mental space together, but I'm sure he benefited from your obviously thoughtful approach. I remember my grandmother's face in the nursing home, she was definitely not quite in the same world as I was.
I'm so struck by your last sentence: "The challenge for me was letting go of the hope that he would accept me just the way I am inside instead of wanting me to be the child he dreamed of." It sounds like you let go of your desire to be accepted and instead ended up accepting him. This is something I've been thinking about a lot in relation to my own father, whom I've had a lot of ...animosity?... towards for most of my life.

You really get what I am trying to say @eksistor it is easier to say than do.

The time to put aside animosity is now. Tomorrow may be too late I told myself

CANDC