Having a severe depressive episode.

I'm having a real bad time. Depression comes to me in episodes. In between the episodes, I can seem fine. I even feel pretty good during those intervals between the episodes.

Today I got a real bad episode. It started last evening. I don't think I've ever gotten anyone to believe how horrible these tailspins are. A year ago, I told my primary care doctor that I needed help. Last time I saw him, like 6 weeks ago, he didn't even ask how I was feeling mentally. I guess I seemed perfectly normal to him. All my life, I've been able to put on a front, like everything is okay. I had to be able to do that to hold a job and do the many things I had to do in my life. But I'm far from okay.

I know the whole cause is that I'm staying alone in my apartment way too much. I'm staying alone way too much. Some days I can't bear to go outside to check the mail. Last evening, I never took my trash receptacles to the curb for pick-up. I had been doing better with that over the last few weeks. I was glad to have been improved. But I'm in a tailspin now. I don't know what's going to become of me. It's a nightmare to be in this pit again.

I did call a crisis line. It just got me more upset. I don't know where to turn. I've had too many episodes, too close together. This will never end, as long as I draw breath. I have felt such despair for hours.

Your symptoms sound a lot like my bipolar 2 disorder.

Have you ever discussed with your doctor on whether you would benefit from a mood stabilizer (in conjunction with your antidepressant), regardless of whether you have depression or bipolar disorder. It may help stop this cycling you are experiencing.

I've been in your predicament and it's not fun.

Thanks for having some understanding. I was tried on so-called "mood stabilizers." None of them did any good. I was given Depakote, Lamictal, lithium and a lot more different ones. I was tried years ago on Seroquel, Neurontin, and others. One doctor told me I was bipolar a long time ago. Other doctors said that I wasn't. One said that "bipolar" was too heavy-duty a diagnosis for me.

All I know is that going through these episodes is miserable beyond what I can even explain. Doctors have given me wildly different diagnoses. I know the whole problem is that I'm too isolated. I also know the only fix for that is getting involved in things that put me around others. But at times I have awful anxiety on top of being depressed. Trying to find help doesn't lead to anything that helps. I just tell myself that every episode came to an end, and this one will too.

You can do this Rose!! You have posted here what works for you.. It more than sucks in these moments!! How about a small goal of being out of bed for 30 minutes and hid by yourself some credit for it.. If you need accountability message me each day.

If you're in the NE US at the moment, the weather has been the shittiest I've seen for a while.

Thank you very much. I had to pick up some prescriptions at the pharmacy. I called a cab to take me there. I decided to try and walk home. I managed to do that. I'm in the Southwest. Our weather is very nice now. The walk was 1.7 miles. I'm amazed I walked that far. I didn't enjoy the walk, but I made myself just keep taking step after step.

I got hungry and made dinner for myself. It was good. Maybe this won't last much longer. These episodes last about a week and a half. Someday, I probably will give up, but I'm not to that point yet.

I'm from the NE. This is the worst time of the year there. By now you're real sick of the sleet, rain, snow and cold. But you still have to get through March, which can be miserable with rain and wind. I'm relocated to the Southwest. It was 72° yesterday and today, with a blue sky. I do try to count my blessings.

Thanks for posting. Stay warm.

I'm having a bad time. I'm thinking this is only going to get worse.

I was never a drug user. Now I'm starting to think I want anything that will stop this pain.

I was alone a lot all my life. Now I'm really alone, even worse than ever. I don't hear much from my relatives. They are very far away, so I'm not really a part of their lives. I'm not good at connecting to others.

I know my thinking is self-defeating. I tell myself, "Don't worry. This won't last forever. You'll die someday, and this will be all over."

I'm not a worthless person. Yet, I can't seem to believe that I can fix what's wrong.

Check in when you can, we’re here for you.

Thank you. Thank you very much for saying that you - and others - are here for me. I believe you. I will try to check in every day.

All I came up with today is that, maybe, I should get me a dog. I wish I heard more from my sisters, who are far away. If I tell them how bad I'm feeling - which is suicidal - they would probably just feel angry and want to have even less to do with me. I want to get on my knees and beg them to not abandon me. Love that you have to beg for is not love.

We had a first cousin who committed suicide. One of my sisters said it was a shame that the family had not rallied to his side sooner and, maybe, saved his life. She has told me that she wants me to call her for support, if I'm in need of that. She was a professional counselor at a high school. I'm very afraid to call her for support. Years ago, she told me that being depressed is a choice. She is very judgemental. Other than that, she is a very good person. If I tell her how bad I'm doing, she is likely to scold me. That will not lead to me feeling more supported. I tried to be a good sister, but I think they forget the efforts I made. I gave one of my sisters a lot of money. Now she seldom calls me. That's been what has broken my heart. I can't wait to be dead. That sounds like melodrama. I suppose it is. I'm just glad to know that this won't go on forever.

Rose,
That was beyond great that you took that walk. Keep moving. Make a goal of doing 15 minutes to beaten your environment as we know that has helped in the oast. You WILK get through this. We know this because b you have done it before.

I walked to a supermarket yesterday for a gallon of milk. It wasn't far at all, but did get me breathing faster, especially carrying the milk home. It was well within my physical capacities. Twas nice to have that milk this morning.

Today I walked to the post office - about a half mile each way. I actually had more energy for housework after the walk, than before it. Funny how that works. My lifestyle had been so sedentary for the past 5 years, that doing next-to-nothing has become my default.

My neighbors have been so kind, offering me rides. Haven't needed to take them up on that yet. Spring is here now. Walking is kind of nice. I saw buds opening on a bush. I'm still sad, but less so.

All night I was unable to sleep. Finally fell asleep after the sun came up. I just got up at 4 p.m. Now it will be even harder to sleep tonight.

It will be dark again in 2 hours. Then I'm kind of trapped in my apartment. My place is cold. I put the furnace on. It's small and can take hours to warm my place up from 60°F to 70°F. So I'm back under the bed coverings to keep warm. Yesterday I felt awfully alone.

These episodes often take 10 days to blow over. I miss my neighbor who died just before Christmas. We used to have coffee together and talk. Spring will be here soon. Already, flowers are blooming on one of my outdoor plants. I had wanted to go look at dogs at the animal shelter today. It's too late now.

Time passes, and taailspins end. I just keep telling myself that.

I didn't sleep a wink last night!. Today was a nice day in NE. Keep going Rose. I like the dog idea if that is an option for you. I have three cats and just knowing they are in the house with me even if they are sleeping. Of course one of them cost us 2,000 dollars in January, and we are still getting him through recovery requiring 1:1 time with him as he relearning how to eat. He is doing better every week. He has become a real love bug wanting to stay with husband d all he time. He knows we are trying to help him. All this to say giving our cat extra care has helped my mood

Are you still seeing the psychologist. At least call him to make him aware what you are dealing with these last days. Info in real time as opposed to waiting until the next visit is helpful in a proper diagnosis.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be better than today.

No, the psychologist terminated working in my healthcare system back in September.

Pets can be a comfort. I'm sorry your kitty has been so sick. Back when I did have a dog, she went through being very sick with cancer. I spent about $3000 on her in the last month of her life. A veterinarian talked me into letting him do surgery, which was kind of foolish. After opening her tummy, he called me to say the cancer was spread much further than he anticipated and was inoperable. We decided to euthanize her right then and not let her wake up. I didn't want her to wake up with a painful incision. He had told me the surgery might give her another 3 years of life. It was ridiculous for him to hold out that hope. This was a very prestigious veterinary practice. I never expected to be hustled like that. At the time, I had a much higher income, and I could handle the expense. I chalk it up as a lesson learned. I won't let that experience discourage me from getting another dog.

I don't hear anything from my sisters. I'm trying to let go of caring very much. We're just not close anymore. My neighbors have been nice and have offered rides, if I need them. I haven't, but I appreciate them.

I guess I'll watch the president's speech now.

I hope we both sleep better tonight. I hope you're managing to get nourishment into your little "love bug." Caring for another being that needs special attention can be rewarding, whether it's a family member or a pet. The dog I'm interested in is in foster care right now. They haven't gotten back to me about him lately, but I suppose they will.

Life moves on.

Feeling hopeless right now.

Hi Rose, how is today going?

It’s morning here and I just made pancakes, they were good. Do you think you could do something nice for yourself today?

I don't know. It's been awful. Never got dressed on Wed.

Thinking of you Rose and sending you lots of hugs. You’re doing what you can, some days are like that.

I've called a crisis line a number of times over the past week. It doesn't help. I don't give them identifying info. I tell them I'm very seriously depressed with suicidal thinking. I don't discuss methods with them. The calls are pretty short. The counselors try to be helpful. But those calls have to remain brief, especially when I'm not willing to provide all the information they ask for. That's because I don't want cops coming to the door. I don't want to go to a psych hospital. I did that in 2020.

I think of sending an email to a sister, but that could backfire. My family would just tell me to go get professional help. I tried seeing a psychologist a year ago. After a few visits he left town for another job. I lost interest in going for counseling. My regular doctor never asks how I'm doing mentally. He has no idea how bad depression gets for me. When I'm in his office, I seem perfectly fine. No one really believes me because, a lot of the time, I seem to be coping okay.

I visited my far away family last spring. They were not warm toward me. One sister even scolded me about something in a very hurtful way. I didn't expect that. I feel like I've lost any meaningful relationship with my far away relatives. I rarely get even a phone call. I'm very alone, since my boyfriend died. I got over the grief of that loss. I thought I would socialize more, when I didn't have to care for him night and day. But I haven't. The aloneness has gotten too bad. I'm retired. I'm afraid of being alone till I die. I'm afraid of getting older and eventually losing my health. I feel stranded and trapped.

hang on in there. You matter.

There's no one I matter to.

I think you matter to those of us posting here, at the very least.

Oh Rose...
Dismayed to read things are not getting better. I can understand about not wanting to get help/ feeling that you don't matter but the key to stability and a better life is seeing a doctor/psychiatrist to get out of these cycles. I know it takes some effort a d when your depressed putting in effort is a job and a half. If you had stomach issues you'd see a gastro doc. I know each area of the country is different with available services. I think you are deserving of a better life seeing that you took care of your boyfriend for so long.. Time to be good to yourself. In AA they use the phrase "stinkin' thinking" as a factor which keeps them drunk, but that seems to be part of the problem for you in anyone's depressive episode.

Please try to put yourself on the human services radar. Call that place your previous doc worked and tell them you need help...do they have a replacement and if not can they give you names and referrals. No one should have to feel this way repeatedly for so long.

Again you matter here...you have helped so many. Please take the time to try to help yourself so you can have a good life

I mean all this in the best ways possible so please do not feel offended.. That is not my purpose. I am on the East coast., but keep reaching out because YOU ARE WORTH IT.

You are very good to post these kind words. I was comforted to read them. My state of mind has been awful, agitated, and even irrational at times. Reading your post had a calming affect on me. A simple, straight-forward message sometimes means so much.