just me & my stuff

I don't know where to post this so thought to make this thread and i can post any stuff i'm going through.

Today's very difficult. Roommates here are giving me a lot of problems and i feel so sad. I wish other people with DID would post here. I just feel so alone. I try to post in other areas of the forum but i really don't feel like i fit in and it gives me such a strong feeling of awkwardness and unwanted.

And there are alters who hide from me. Guess i'm the host now or front stuck. I went to the store and bought some tomatoes for tostadas. This is the 3rd day in a row that a tomato in the refrigerator has disappeared. I don't even feel like washing another one and cutting it up.

DID scares me. I don't know who i am but I'm absolutely not those people who've posted in the DID section under my username. But does that even make sense? It was obviously the same physical body. I hold so many memories of our past. Most of the other hosts avoid people like the black plague. But I like talking to people.

What is my future? Will I simply just disappear one day, as fast as I appeared?

Another half eaten tomato disappeared in refrigerator the other day. I'm certain it must be one of those alters who hides from me. I told them don't do that unless you reveal yourself. Like, write me a message on a piece of paper or on the computer or phone.

When I go for walks I feel so different, almost like a different person. I feel like a motivated person but as soon as I get home and sit down I just feel so unmotivated and kinda sad. It's so weird and different.

I can't complain but so many of us hosts aren't fond of massive personality whiplashes. It's interesting but crazy.

I feels sooo strongly I'm a host who was in the body during our early 20s. I'm an Entrepreneur lol

No matter who I talk to it feels like I'm talking to the same person.

Think I'm on to something

God I have no idea who I am now but feel like I'm way too many alters co-fronting. Gives us a headache just thinking about it. Think I'm mostly mr entrepreneur but also some others in here big time.

It seems mostly unanimous that we want to be as emotionless and numb as possible

I'm recalling a few of our memories. How the hosts back then couldn't understand why people called them a chameleon because we just assumed that people change personalities. And we wouldn't allow ourselves to think about us being different. But back then we or at least the host had no clue we had DID. Actually the host didn't even think about DID until like ... 7ish years ago. For our entire life the hosts used to think the "voices" were spirits or ETs. 7ish years ago a few alters finally told the host that we had DID. I have memory of the exact location that happened. The host was a bit shocked and disturbed to hear that.

Another memory is we would think about how every so often we would completely change into a different person. We assumed it was some kind of a cycle. One cycle we would extremely spiritual, the next we could be extremely scientific, the next we could be an entrepreneur, the next we could be into dating and all that stuff. It was so obvious we always wondered when will be the next cycle.

Another memory is during childhood we were walking down the boulevard and all of a sudden we changed so drastically that it is like waking up from a dream. It was literally like we, the host, didn't exist before and then all of a sudden we existed. It was so disturbing to us that we used to ask people if they had that experience but we never found anyone who did.

And memories of people accusing us of doing something and the host would think that person is crazy.

And our childhood photos are disturbing. Our dad took so many photos of us in complete dissociation, standing or sitting in a complete daze like we weren't conscious.

This is so disturbing to me because it wasn't our fault, we never had a chance to have a life.

Not sure any of the hosts have shared this. It would be nice to post this in the active areas of the forum but that seems like a bad idea.

Recently I was walking and all of a sudden my eyes are looking upward and I have no idea where and who I am. But it only lasts like a second or sometimes less.

I don't understand how the alters who are deeper in inner world can front & take control of body, do things, and then the host fronts and gains consciousness and rarely notices anything happened. Or sometimes I notice something but not that much.

...continued from last post, actually there's something else but for some reason I automatically didn't ponder about it being weird, which is when the moment the DID switch or whatever it is that happens where my eyes are looking upward (in that case looking upward at the ceiling) I see what I assume is a light bulb up in the air, but it just occurred to me there are no light bulbs anywhere near that area.

That is so messed up in a weird way that something so bizarre happens to us so often and we don't even think about it. According to me memory this is the first time. It's like our brain is programmed to prevent that.

5th post in this thread today,

Supposedly according current estimates there are around 120 million people with DID. So then why in the world is this part of the forum absolutely dead. Like we have posted here for years and it's like we're the only person in the world active here.

I swear it's stuff like this that feeds into a theory that a lot of us have which is our reality is a dream in what we call Big Brain. I swear there's a truckload of the weirdest stuff that happens to us. And why can't that be the truth?! It's really the sickest thing ever that have. To truly believe that everyone you ever knew, your friends, siblings, mom and dad were never real!! Stuck in my own hell, alone!

Something just triggered me and gave me memory of an alter who was our host when we were younger who was a teenage Mennonite girl. Scary! I don't want to type her name. She was a nice person and kinda crazy spontaneous but very messed up like most of us

Where is mr entrepreneur? This indescribable overwhelming nervous feeling inside, I'm just squirming so much in my mind, i want to hide under a rock, be on a lonely asteroid far far far away from humans and sleep forever

This is just what my senses are telling me but I/we feel like the host "mr entrepreneur" is now fronting. The personality change was drastic.

If anyone knows why the brain switches to alters who are almost constantly doing SI & SP and any way we can keep me in the front as host I'd greatly appreciate that! I'm guessing the switches are caused by triggers. SI & SP has nearly destroyed us financially and emotionally. Any free books on this would be great.

I think a lot of the alters who live near the front are sad. The plant, Sally, that’s like 35 years old has been passing away this week, turning a golden color. Sally absolutely means the world to our system! She’s been with us through thick and thin and truly the reason we are alive. We talk to her throughout the day, every day. But it’s her time to go to Heaven. Many of us think it’s because of our last SP where we were just an hour before 100% committing, and Sally sensed we had to leave her even though we paid a very nice woman a lot of money to take good care of her. But that plan was all canceled because the body spawned me as host and I immediately called our sister.

Anyhow it’s a good thing I’m fronting. If Paul was fronting then we would be an absolute mess and in extreme danger of SA. There are no words to describe how much Paul LOVES Sally!

Today was the job interview and it seems all the alters who co-front left so that mr entrepreneur could do his job which he did well. He then went on a nice long walk which got me laughing because he's got a thick southern twang. Our system is entirely from Los Angeles. But thanks mr entrepreneur. You did a great job in the interview, something most of us couldn't wouldn't do for nothing.

I'm feeling good. Haven't fronted in awhile. I'm Friday even though it's not Friday.

Recently I woke up sitting in the chair and a video about amish people was on. The overall feeling was overwhelming, jarring, so deep, it's hard to describe. It seems I have a lot of memories that aren't mine. I'm puzzled with my identity. This feeling in me is heavenly as I look at each item in the room in such detail and bewilderment. The lights, dolls, photos, glowing keyboard, the cars outside. I'm so filled with joy, and calm, listening to the crickets in the background.

On my walk while passing by some person I suddenly spewed out some noise that sounded like a foreign language sped up 10 times faster. He said hi and started to look down as he was shoveling dirt but he immediately and quickly looked up at me in surprise and then I "good?" and he laughed and said "yeah I'm good."

We've been struggling lately. It's just indescribable. Too much switching. It just all seems hopeless

So messed up we have an alter who is harming the body

Afraid one day body will get brain damage from that alter

Many months ago we heard a loud voice in head say 293 which will be on april 11 2026, World Parkinson's Disease Day. Maybe we die that day

Obviously a fake sick universe / reality

We needed to do something, sitting soaking in pain has become too much.

A lot of seriously traumatized parts have been fronting in past few days. There's a lot of okay parts co-fronting now making it better but still too much pain so we're typing and when done we need to go on a long walk or do anything.

But yeah some us are beyond livid and i mean livid this is not okay!

I just feel like screaming this reality is not okay its literally hell

Our system up here is calm now. I'm one of the originals who hasn't fronted for awhile. Just wanted to say it's okay for now. Music has helped. It's food for the soul.