A whole lot of confusion

Hey - so I'm coming off of another night of waking up at 3am thinking hard about what transpired the evening before, and limping through the rest of my day from fatigue.

Been with my wife for 25 years (married for 20). I work a job that has a pension coming in 3.5 years. We ran a business together for about 10 years. She became a stay at home mom to raise my 3 daughters (something my own mother wasn't able to do - she went back to work when I was 9 months old and finally retired when I was 14). My wife did a great job with my daughters. But now they are 16, 16, and 18... the business took a hard beating over Covid then inflation, my wife didn't communicate some of our challenges leading to her running personal and business debt up to 35k (we finally paid it off). Now I am running the business mostly alone - trying to save it. My wife no longer wants anything to do with it so - I basically lost my partner.

Also for the past 10 years I was building an arm of our business 2 hours away in a semi tourist location, along with rebuilding a foreclosure house (for all those years nobody told me to stop building). Bought the house with one of my daughters urging me to buy it and her saying she'd help me rebuild (she never helped). Now after years of building, and over 10 years of my family spending warmer months in this area - now none of them come up there with me. It's been 2 years of me trying to hold this 2nd business location together and building this house - alone, with no help.

Added to this is this odd distain and disregard for me in the household among my daughters with my status as a male. Like some feminist sentiment, that almost seems to be encouraged by my wife. It started roughly in middle school. It's okay for Dad to go off and work 80 hours a week, put money away for college funds, funnel every dime toward the family and my girls either mock me, fly off the handle at me, or completely ignore me - and that includes my wife. If I try to speak to the kids as a parent, my wife injects or undermines whatever I am saying. Over Christmas my one daughter was sick. I suggested that she look in the back of her throat to check for strep throat. The kid flipped a switch on me, then my wife leaned in on me, saying stuff like "where were you all these years when they were sick, don't you think we know this stuff?" It sucked. I ended up retreating to bed (wife and I don't sleep in the same room) and I felt completely crushed. Pushed so far down. Through my life I've held on through hard times always worrying about hurting other people through my own actions. But like - my world view can crumble so hard and I become tormented by this hopeless feeling. A deep pain.

No matter how I try to express to my wife how this is all impacting me, it is disregarded - as if it is always assumed that I am indestructible, meanwhile it's the people closest to me that are hurting me the most.

Also - for the past 2 years, I've been having headaches. I got checked out for it. Was told that I had a brain bleed going on but nothing that doctors could address and I got tired of worrying about it.

I work constantly because it disconnects me from depression, dark thoughts, physical pain, etc. It also seems to cause the headaches to recede. Yesterday I drove 2 hours to my other business location to do some house keeping (we've gone on shortened hours for January because I've been so stretched thin and worn down by these flair ups at home). I covered my tasks then got over to the house - filled with the wish to spend the day there to build - got on the road in a snow squall, hit another task on the way back home, and arrived home optimistic, happy to be back, no headache, and my wife saying - "come sit at the table and eat." I go to sit and as is the common pattern, everyone is on their phones, nobody even looks up, or says "hello" - let alone: "how was your day dad" "what did you do" - "how is the house coming" - nothing. Instead, my one kid mocked what I was eating, another kid glared at me from the head of the table (yeah a kid sits at the head and my wife defends that configuration) and I'm at a disadvantage because if I say anything, then my wife takes the kids' sides and I get portrayed as "not chill" - or just being somehow negative male energy.

None of this is what I envisioned. I gave everything to them and I feel betrayed by my wife and sometimes I look back and wish that I had been more selective when we got together. I bring up old memories with my wife but she just seems disinterested. I told her that I feel lonely.

There are other issues. She is a woman that holds her masters degree and recently went back to work to a supermarket and the schedule consumes her Sundays - basically making it impossible for her to road trip with me to the project house. She insists that she is not able to get a better job. I keep my opinions under wraps but in my own life - I don't say "can't" and apparently I also don't say "quit" in how I can't seem to shut down my business - the thought of doing so fills me with that dark dread, and I feel that if I don't save it, it will cause resentment to grow worse than it already is, and will lead to an end of my marriage, an end to my family life - or worse for me.

So I'm stuck. I always say "an honest man has nothing to fear." The easiest thing to do would be to stay the course, take this all on the chin, not be a bad father like my dad was.... I always wanted to be an asset to my kids instead of a source of their pain. But then my pain is so hard sometimes. I think about ways to not come home anymore. I dread the feeling of being crushed, especially when I work myself toward a little relief - literally through work. Then it comes on me after being ignored once I walk in. It eats me up and causes me to lose hours of sleep. Causes me to think terrible thoughts. Like I said, stuck.

Hi @As one - welcome to MSF. I am so sorry things are so challenging with your daughters and wife. They are stuck in negative patterns and it seems to drag you down. That must be so tough on you.

Glad you joined the community

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

Welcome.

I’m sorry things are so hard and lonely. Can you sale the house you’re working on as is and at least have one less thing on your plate.