Unusual behaviour from my son - worried and unsure how to help

I’ve found myself in a situation with my 11-year-old son that I’m not really sure how to handle. Sorry for the long post, but I’m hoping someone might have some thoughts or ideas on how I can move forward.

I’m a single mom with three boys (2.5, 5, and 11 years old).

About two weeks ago, I made an unexpected discovery in my 11-year-old’s room while I was making his bed. Under the mattress, he had hidden one of my 5-year-old’s diapers (my 5-year-old has autism and isn’t potty trained yet). I could tell it had been used, but it was still dry.

That evening, once his younger siblings were asleep, I took the chance to gently bring it up with him. As soon as I mentioned what I had found, he started crying and looked really frightened. He said he was sorry and was scared I might tell someone. I tried to calm him down and told him I wasn’t angry, just surprised and a bit confused.

I asked if he could tell me why he had hidden a diaper under his mattress, but he had a hard time explaining. He was mostly just upset and didn’t seem to have the words. The only thing he managed to say was that he felt safer when he had it.

He used to struggle with bedwetting when he was younger, it continued until he was about 7 or 8. There was also a brief setback when his father and I went through our separation. So at first, I thought maybe the bedwetting had returned. But when I asked him directly, he said that wasn’t the case, he just felt safer with the diaper.

After our conversation, he became more withdrawn and mostly stayed in his room. He was unusually quiet, didn’t want to play with his siblings, and even avoided playing soccer with his friends like he usually would.

A few days later, while he was out (and I know it wasn’t ideal), I looked around his room while putting away some clothes. I had a feeling he might’ve hidden more, and sure enough, in his desk I found a plastic bag with used diapers that smelled pretty bad. That evening, I brought it up with him, and this time he got extremely angry. He was furious that I had gone through his things and accused me of snooping.

I stayed calm and explained again that I wasn’t angry, just worried. I also said that if he didn’t want to talk to me, he could talk to someone else instead. That only upset him more, he yelled some really hurtful things before storming off and slamming his door.

Later that night, I wrote him a letter and slid it under his door. I explained my thoughts and concerns, but also told him I didn’t think it was okay for him to take his little brother’s diapers. I wrote that if he truly wanted them, he could come with me to the store next time we went shopping.

The next morning, he was really emotional and apologised for the way he had acted. I tried again to talk about why he wanted the diapers, but he just said they made him feel safe, nothing more. He agreed to come with me to the store and get his own.

Now he’s had his own diapers at home for a while, and I haven’t brought it up again. It still feels strange to me, and I’m not sure how to approach it. I just want to understand why, and how I can support him in the right way.

The good news is that he’s been a lot more relaxed lately, more social, playing with his siblings, and even hanging out with his friends again.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How would you handle this? Should I bring it up again, or just leave it for now as long as he seems to be doing okay?

Could he have started having nocturnal emissions and is uninformed and perhaps confused about it?

I actually hadn’t thought about that. I have so many thoughts and questions in my head that I wish I could ask him, but at the same time, I don’t want to push him any more than I already have.

When we last talked about it, I asked if he had been hiding diapers for a long time, but he didn’t want to answer. Same when I asked if it was just at night that he used them. From the little he has told me, it does seem like this has been going on for a while, and that it’s not just a nighttime thing.
It sounds like he’s used diapers at other times around the house too. The only thing he’s really said is that he feels calm and safe when he wears them.

What I find so strange is that I never noticed anything before. Thinking back, I do remember him getting irritated sometimes when I’d come into his room to put away clothes or clean up.

He’d tell me to leave and that he’d take care of it himself. But I didn’t think much of it, at least not until now, when I’m starting to wonder if that might have been connected somehow.

I’ve also been thinking that I probably spend most of my time with his younger siblings, and maybe I haven’t given him as much attention as he actually needs. At the same time, he’s always been pretty independent, mature for his age, and has spent a lot of time with friends. Still, the thought has crossed my mind that maybe this is a way of trying to get more of my attention?

I had really hoped he’d open up more after we went and bought the diapers he asked for. But so far, he hasn’t said much more. I have noticed that he’s been a little more social lately, which I take as a good sign. I imagine this must have been a heavy secret for him to carry around, and I really hope he’ll feel safe enough to share more eventually. He’s always struggled a bit with self-confidence and tends to worry a lot over small things, so part of me wonders if this is all somehow tied to that.

It’s just so hard to know how to help him in the right way, or if I’m maybe worrying too much. I really want to do what’s best for him, but right now, I just feel kind of lost.

Welcome to MSF @GoldenBunny - I can see how a mother could be upset by this. Diarrhea or uncontrolled urination might have happened before he started wearing diapers and that may have been very embarrassing.

It seems like a good sign that he trusts you enough to talk about it a little. It must be a shock for you to find out that your child is not as acclimated as they appeared or you assumed.

For me letting go was difficult when my daughter got to be a teen. This might be anticipating that they will grow up one day and leave the nest. Empty nest can be hard on parents. A mother's whole identity can be wrapped up in their kids. I had to reinvent myself when my daughter left home to go to school far away.

Thanks for sharing

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please tag me by including @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

Thank you so much for your reply, @CANDC

I’m not really upset, but more worried and sad.
Sad because my oldest son doesn’t seem to want to be open and honest with me anymore. Even if he has become a bit more social again, he’s still quiet in the mornings and evenings. I try to talk to him and ask if he’s okay, but it mostly feels like he just gets embarrassed.

I haven’t said anything about the diapers we bought, he’s taken care of that on his own. The only thing he mentioned was when we came home, he asked where we should keep them, because he was worried his friends might see them. He had the same fear a few years ago when he had problems with bedwetting. Back then he used a different kind, "night pants", and he was really scared that his friends would find out. We found a place in the bathroom, together with his brothers’ things, so he could feel safer.

I really wish I knew how he feels and what he is so worried about.
It’s hard being a single parent, there’s no one to talk to, so I’m really thankful that I can write here.

I am glad you are here @GoldenBunny, Sometimes it is better to be patient and wait till they are ready to talk. I found this helpful "Tell me more" and other phrases that deepen relationships : NPR

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please tag me by including @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

I have only read the OP. I am very sorry to hear about this and in general about how hard your life has been - single, with an autistic child still in diapers, and now this.

I must tell you, however unpleasant it would be for you to hear that, that your OP made me think of a diaper sexual fetish that is common among adults. I do not know if a boy as you g as 11 can develop it, but please look into it and learn what you can. I thought of the sexual fetish when I read at how angry your eldest son became when he learned of your snooping around in his room.

It was on the Sexual and Gender Issues subforum on this site that, some years ago, I learned about the fetish. The site has a search function whereby you can put the keyword "diaper" and limit the search results to that particular subforum. Alternatively, use the so-called "site colon operator" on Google - is the keywords "diaper fetish", then type "site:" (site, followed by colon, and immediately after copy-paste the top level URL of this site.

Thank you for the link, @CANDC, it was really interesting to listen to.

Lately, I’ve been trying to be a bit softer in the evenings. After I put the two youngest to bed, I sit for a little while on the sofa with my oldest, just before he goes to sleep. I can tell he doesn’t feel very comfortable when I’m there, but I still stay, just for a short moment, to show him that I’m there for him, if he ever wants to talk. So far, he hasn’t really shown any interest, and that makes me a bit sad. I can feel that something isn’t right, but I don’t know how to help him.

Tomorrow we’re going to a park, and it’s a few hours away by car. All week, he’s been saying he doesn’t want to come, even though I really think he does want to go. He often gets anxious when we’re going somewhere far away or staying away from home for too long. I’ve tried many times to ask what it is he’s worried about, but he won’t tell me, or maybe he doesn’t know how to explain it. I keep wondering if all of this is somehow connected. Not knowing what’s going on in his mind or how he feels is really worrying me.

Thank you too, @Tart Cherry Jam. Reading what you wrote… I honestly feel scared and confused, a diaper fetish?! How? How would I even handle something like that, if that’s what this is? I feel a bit panicked, honestly.
Even more thoughts spinning in my head now.
Over the last few weeks, I know he’s been wearing a diaper in the evening and still has it on in the morning. I’ve been thinking the whole time that maybe he’s just struggling with bedwetting again, and that he’s too ashamed to tell me. Because I remember how hard it was for him the last time he had issues with it.

Diaper Fetishism Due to A Case - EMDR IZMIR.

Here is a case report that might be relevant, on how a teen developed a fetish. A teen, not an adult. Also, there is a Wikipedia article that states that the current position is that this fetish, if it is that, is not by itself indicative of a mental health disorder.

Thank you for your reply, @Tart Cherry Jam. I really appreciate that you took the time to write. I feel very worried after reading the link you shared.

Right now, I feel very lost. It feels like I have no control anymore, like I don’t really know who my child is. I’ve been trying for so long to understand why he does what he does. I’ve been thinking back to his early years, especially potty training, which was very difficult. It was a long and hard journey, and I’ve often wondered if I made a mistake by pushing him when he was little. He didn’t stay dry during the day until sometime after he turned four, and the bedwetting continued until he was almost eight.

Almost two years ago, his dad wanted a divorce, and after that, the bedwetting came back. We got help from a doctor, who said it could be a reaction to the separation. We started using night-time diapers again so he wouldn’t have to wake up in a wet bed. It was really hard for him and something he struggled to accept. Even then, he sometimes tried to hide his accidents and said the night had gone fine, but when we found the diaper, it was clear he wasn’t telling the truth.

As far as I know, he’s been dry again for almost two years now. That’s why I was so surprised, and worried, when I found used diapers in his room. I thought maybe he would open up more when he got his own diapers, but he hasn’t. What worries me most is that I’ve seen several times that the diapers have been wet, whether that’s on purpose or by accident, I don’t know. He hasn’t said anything, it’s just something I’ve happened to notice. And it really scares me.

I’m really not trying to judge him, I love him so much. I just want to understand what’s going on. Is it bedwetting again? Is it stress, anxiety, something emotional? Or… something else, like what you mentioned? I don’t know. And that frightens me.

Oh, please do not judge yourself harshly for what you called pushing him when he was a toddler and not ready. You might be projecting the current hardship on what was happening then and jumping to the conclusion that you pushed him. You are so clearly a loving mama, please do not breathe yourself

Sorry this turned out so long, but I really needed to clear my head. I hope that’s okay.

And thank you again for your kind words earlier, @Tart Cherry Jam, they truly mean more than you know. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself, but it’s so easy to start doubting everything when you feel powerless as a parent.

I honestly don’t know how to handle all of this. Over the past few days, I’ve noticed the pack of diapers I bought him is starting to run out. I didn’t say anything, I wanted to wait and see if he would bring it up himself, or if he might start taking from his brother again like he has before.

But last night, when it was just the two of us sitting on the couch, he actually brought it up himself. I could see how hard it was for him. He barely looked at me, and he was so nervous. I tried to gently ask why he wanted them, and I made sure to tell him I wasn’t mad and that he hadn’t done anything wrong.

I also carefully mentioned that I’ve noticed he’s had accidents sometimes, whether intentional or not, I honestly don’t know, but it only ever seems to happen when he’s wearing a diaper. Never otherwise. I asked if he had noticed too, like that time we were talking and I realised his diaper was wet but he didn’t seem aware of it. I asked if he had any idea why, or if he wanted to talk about it, or if maybe it would help to speak with someone, like a doctor. That’s when he got really upset. He yelled that there’s no way he’s talking to any doctor and that I should just stop caring so much. Then he stormed upstairs to his room.

I went up a bit later. I tried to be as calm as I possibly could and told him I love him more than anything, and that I ask questions because I care, not because I’m angry or think he’s done something wrong. I said we’ll figure out what to do about more diapers next time we’re at the store.

But it just feels so strange buying diapers for him if this might be something sexual… At the same time, if it were sexual, wouldn’t he try to hide it more? At home, he’s not secretive about it at all anymore. And I’ve noticed he actually seems calmer at times when he’s wearing one. I don’t want him walking around feeling anxious. He takes care of everything himself, he’s never asked for help. And over the years he’s helped change his younger siblings, so he knows what he’s doing.

I immediately felt like I probably pushed too hard last night, again. I have such a hard time holding back when I see a chance to ask him something. The fear that there might be something serious going on just takes over. And when he shuts down completely and refuses to talk, I only get more worried.

I just wish I knew something. Anything. Just to stop my imagination from running wild. Right now, it feels like I’m completely in the dark, and the more I try to piece things together, the more I scare myself.

He usually gets anxious whenever we’re going to be away from home for a longer stretch, like for the whole day. He always insists on going to the bathroom once or twice before we leave, and he tends to stay in there for a while. It seems to help him calm down for a bit.
When he was younger, back in early elementary school, he had a similar kind of anxiety. Back then, it turned out to be about being afraid of public restrooms. He eventually outgrew that, but now the anxiety seems to be back, just in a different way. And only when we’re going somewhere for a longer time.

I just want to do the right thing. I want to be there for him, to support him, and to show him he’s not broken or weird. But I also don’t want to look the other way if there’s something we actually need to take seriously. I love him so, so much. And it breaks my heart to see him struggling, especially when I don’t know why.

I feel really alone in this, and it would mean a lot to hear if anyone else has experienced something similar, or even just to hear how you might think or feel if you were in my shoes.

Just reading your story, written in your voice, can break one's heart. Try REDDIT, looking for parents who might have had similar experiences. This forum is not frequented and your posts do not get the exposure necessary to connect with other parents who have been in your shoes

Thank you so much, @Tart Cherry Jam. I’ll definitely take a look at Reddit, I really appreciate the suggestion.
After doing some searching online, I actually came across an article on WikiHow that talks about this topic: wikihow.com/React-when-Your-Teenager-Is-Wearing-Diapers
It helped me feel a little less alone.

More and more, I’m starting to feel that this might be tied to some kind of anxiety he’s carrying, that in certain situations, wearing a diaper helps him feel calmer and safer.

Did he have a security blanket kind of toy as a child?

He actually has a teddy bear that he got when he was basically a newborn, and he still sleeps with it every single night. He’s incredibly protective of it, it’s his, and if one of his younger brothers so much as touches it, he gets absolutely furious. It’s like his most sacred thing, and I think it still gives him a real sense of comfort.