Frustrated with limitations from mental illness

How do I look at this better?

I was interested in this program, but talked to the admissions guy, and it's kinda insane. The insane I like, but the insane I can't handle. 3 semesters a year for likely 3 years, full time, 30 clinic hours a week/12-16 lecture hours a week, 10% acceptance rate, etcetera etcetera.

It would be great IF I KNEW I COULD GO THREE YEARS WITHOUT BEING HOSPITALIZED AND FKING IT ALL UP!!!!! But, nooo, the longest I've gone without being IP in the past decade was only 9 months and that was because I was seeing a proper drug dealer instead of a psychiatrist (who is more willing to send you to the ER if you're unwell).

And then there's this stupid daily med management BS. Sometimes I can ask 3+ days in advance or there's a holiday they don't do med runs and I'll get one day's worth with the day prior's, but I don't like doing things on holidays (crowds/traffic). I like hiking, which is usually the reason I want meds beforehand, and you can NOT predict White Mountain weather 3+ days in advance. Can hardly predict it 12 hours in advance, especially the Prezis.

I almost hate that bipolar is episodic. It's torture thinking "but it won't last long enough to be able to feel like I have a real life," every time I'm not in an episode.

I just finished reading your post and want to tell you how sorry I am that you are in that frustrating and unhappy situation. Wish I knew what to say to help. What a heavy, heavy burden you bear!!!

Could not be said better.

I feel your frustration. I've read somewhere that grief isn't just a response to the death of a loved one. It can come about when dreams go unfulfilled.

There is an evidence - based therapy for bipolar called social rhythms therapy. Practitioners are advised to start this type of therapy by allowing the client to grieve the loss of themselves as they predated illness. To grieve the loss of dreams.

Thanks, tart. I read the wiki on this. I would turn down eg lunch invites because i foubd them too disruptive. One day could upset my entire week or more. Recently switching to all mail order prescriptions has calmed my schedule and my heart immeasurably!

I know my family never informed me of plans, it was a running joke. So i was always being unpleasantly surprised and my attempts at stability upset. But its hard to figure out what it should look like when youve never had it. When youve always depended on that hit of adrenalin to organuze yurself. I used to say when i was working, i didnt really wake up until i yelled at my first ahole on the expressway.