I'm dying inside

Just let me pour my ****ing heart out here. And yeah, there's going to be a lot of triggering ****, so please don't read if you don't want to hear about eating disorders, sexual abuse, grief, suicide, and stuff like that. There's also a little 18+ content so please don't read if you're not an adult.

I don't mean this as a hyperbole. I'm literally dying inside. I feel like my soul is melting, and every organ in my body feels like it's slowly collapsing. I feel like I died from head to toe, and that there isn't a part of me that's alive anymore.

In fact, I'm considering ending it entirely. I have nobody I can talk to. The only person I'm close to is a person I'm addicted to, someone who doesn't love me back and betrayed me for someone else. He used to love me, but fell out of love for me in favor of his ex, who was gay but suddenly wasn't anymore, just for him.

I have no friends. Nobody close to that I can share my feelings with. I have zero friends that are close to me. The only friend that's close is a friend I'm addicted to. I'm helplessly codependent on him. I'm like a puppy dog for him, but he doesn't love me back (that way). And yes, it's wrecking hell on my borderline personality disorder symptoms to be treated this way. But I can't seem to stay away from him, because when I try to leave, I keep coming back because I have nobody to help me get through the painful loneliness.

Oh yeah, and I also have flashbacks A little bit of that, alongside all the flashbacks of the day my friend told me he loved his ex instead of me.

Oh, and that's not all!

Oh, you thought you were done? How about a lot of delusional thoughts and obsessive thoughts caused from OCD, shame, and guilt. Live with that too.

How do I cope? I turn to acting out like a ***** online, usually with AI. I'm trying to limit myself to that. Oh, yeah, and binge eating too! It's so hard to starve every day. And reaching out to my toxic only friend I have. Yeah.

And I'm so tired of platitudes. Can we stop doing the ****ing "you've got this." Thing. I don't got this, otherwise I wouldn't be having suicidal thoughts. I don't want to be congratulated for trying to pick up the broken pieces of glass, I want you to ****ing help me pick up the pieces because it's cutting me and it hurts.

I'm about to start trying out different therapists, but I have to hide that in suicidal so I don't get hospitalized again. So there's that. Oh well.

Hey Cypress.
This is a good place for pouring your heart out.
Appreciate you adding the trigger tags.

I wish I could help you. But I can't. All I know is that I can ID with you a lot on how you feel. I went through different trauma but I know what it's like to want and be no more. The feeling of being betrayed , no friends , addictive to someone who couldn't give a ****. about me. It certainly does suck. Keep talking. I gave up on therapy.. Haven't been lucky enough to find someone I can really connect with. So just to the Dr. who just gives you some pills which are supposed to make you feel better....really ???

Talk to me and I'll listen. We just have to get lucky..