Working with [grief] anger in the therapy room?

Hi all,

I hope today is being kind to you.

This time of year has been a special kind of Hell for me since 2022 when the anaesthetic began to wear off after Steve's death. I missed his birthday that first year because it came six months after he died.

My last session for this year falls on the 19th, which is his birthday.


The weather may put the plan I set in motion with R on hold.
I was going to write on a plate and smash it, but windy weather makes that seem dangerous.

It dawned on me today that what I need may be the opposite of anger management.

If you are comfortable sharing, I would be grateful to hear about creative ways you have given your anger space within the therapy room.

Sometimes four letter words are the only ones that suffice, but I am notoriously uncomfortable using them.

Hi @LostOnTheTrail I am sorry for your loss. It must be hard to cope with.

My first encounter with therapy was with expressing emotions which did some good because I was very unexpressive of them. Later finding ways to use mindfulness to help me not feed the thoughts that breed anger. Also gratitude expressions have helped me to erase the bitterness of loss.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

Wish I could help, but I'm not good at expressing anger. The couple times I've expressed anger in the therapy room have been toward my T, and they haven't gone well... I guess I did express a bit toward my mom at one point, and that went OK, but nothing that would be helpful to you, I don't think.

For what you planned to do, I'm not sure if this would be safe enough or have the same effect, but could you put the plate in a Zip-loc (zipper-sealed) bag and smash it in there? (not sure if smashing it would force it open though). Or, say, in a trash bag that's tied closed? Mainly mentioning the Zip-loc because it's clear, so you'd see the broken plate. But if you put it in some other sort of bag, you could open it after (inside, away from the wind) and see it maybe? Or if you have clear trash bags there.

I am not one for symbolic gestures or whatever -but I did swear a lot about western medicine and its horrors when my person was dying. I mostly just ranted about it -I didn't really want or need to have the therapist do anything. After she died, I was mostly only angry at what she had suffered at their hands and sad because I missed her. There was no point in talking about the sadness -talking was not useful for me. It just faded some and life came back in so I could slowly start paying attention to other things which also lessened it. I don't note her death day or funeral date - I know about when but I think of her multiple times a day still but not with grief - I remember funny things and such.

I lost my husband of 34 years in 2021 after he lost a 114 day battle against COVID. COVID grief is its own particular kind of hell due to the nature of the pandemic, the isolation during the illness, the inability to have a funeral, and the rampant disinformation and politicization. The anger was a huge part of the grief process.

I have not sought out therapy though. I remembered what my old therapist had said some years back when I lost my sister to cancer. Grief is normal. All of it. He encouraged me to be mindful of my emotions and experiences without trying to stop them or fix them.

So when my husband died, that is what I did. What I still do. I honor my process, wherever it takes me, and I have found in not trying to control it or fix it or pathologize it, I have been relatively okay.

It comes and goes in waves, but mostly I have reached a place where I think of my husband with good memories now. I could easily be sucked back into despair if I dwelled on the horror of those last 114 days, but instead, I have found some healing in actively choosing to honor the other 56 years of his life and our 34 years of marriage. He was so much more than those last four months.

My anger turns in, venting it has never been my thing.. Obviously talking about it will be your first step.. Let the tears flow angers only trying to detract you from that.

Thank you all for sharing your respective processes.

LT - those ideas make sense.
I've never seen a large version of clear rubbish bags, but they must exist.

R was going to provide the plate, and I think we were thinking dinner plate (as a sufficient canvas)

@CANDC - You make a good point about emotional expression. It takes a lot to get me to the point of outwardly expressing my feelings.

Five months ago, everything I thought I 'knew' about Steve's death was upended.

It's quite something to go through a whole new depth of processing three years into an experience.

Artley - I'm so sorry for your loss. You make a good point about being deprived of the usual rituals.

One of my first thoughts when I got the news was 'I wonder whether they'll stream part of the funeral?' and the fact that I was even thinking like that made me feel sick.

They didn't, as far as I know.

The relationship between confusion and pain and anger is a chicken or the egg situation for me.

Mindfulness practices are useful in getting some distance, but staying in that state is hard.

I agree @LostOnTheTrail that maintaining mindfulness is difficult. it has taken me years to cultivate it and still there is work to do.

Healthy Minds is a free ap with no ads and a daily routine that kept me on a good path. It is professionally made by the Univ of Wisconsin neuroscience department
Another free resource is Palouse Mindfulness.

CANDC

Both therapists I have worked with in the recent past have offered for me to throw things in their room, push against them, scream, spit (this was outdoors), physical stuff like that. I didn't necessarily do all of these things (with hindsight, I should have strangled one of them), but the suggestions were useful in themselves because they led to other pieces of work. It is often discussed that anger is a secondary emotion which acts as a protective response. It might be worth thinking about your primary emotion (even what fundamental emotion is contained/hidden in your complicated grief) and putting some physical action to that primary emotion which you could act out as part of the anger expression. For example, if shame if your primary emotion (it is often mine), you could assign the colour red to shame (red faced and embarrassed) and throw red paint around whilst screaming. I would like that for myself actually. Anyway, that's just an example, but you see what I mean.

H had me tell L about my anger towards her. That I wasn't expressing it to the person who deserves it. L asked me what I truly felt like doing. I told her I wanted to scream at her. She tried real hard to convince me to yell at her, but I just couldn't. I prefer being quiet and small even if my instinct is to be loud and big. (I have yelled at her in the past, btw.)

There's a quote L sent me: "Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that LOVES you". She tells me that anger isn't bad or dangerous. And sometimes anger needs to be shown, not just told. Anger is only dangerous if you act is out in unsafe or unhealthy ways.

Thanks Comrade and Scarlet.

I know there's a deep sense of hurt underneath the anger.
'What do you really want to do?' is an interesting question.

Smashing something would never be a first thought for me...but I guess that speaks to the depth of this process.

Jenga occurred to me earlier, but not knowing when it's going to fall would be anxiety-inducing...

Feeling betrayed by someone usually means that you wouldn't want to mark their birthday.

It's not just another day, and it's not just another session.

There are large clear garbage-type bags, for recycling textiles.

Not much, but it feels good to contribute what i can!

Thanks, Una.

I'm none the wiser regarding what I actually want to do, as the winds are still forecast around 20mph.

I'll have a chat with another helpline contact tomorrow that may clarify some things.

R responded to my email this morning, and the 'plan' is off.
Makes sense, considering the safety aspect.

We meet in my living room, where there also happens to be a fireplace.

Perhaps the solution is obvious...although that feels like something that I could do independently as much as with her.