BPD and treatment (splitting, idealization/devaluation)

How am I supposed to get something out of treatment if I can’t make up my mind about anything and I spend so much time cussing out these people in my journal, but sticking up for them when someone else criticizes something I complained about probably two days ago but feel differently about now, and then really wondering if they have my best interests at heart or if they know what they’re talking about, then trusting wholeheartedly, then taking everything back and regretting everything and hiding and lying, etc…?

One session my therapist is total dog piddle, the next she’s practically my savior, my case manager somehow every week I get way too upset whether she shows up or not. My pdoc I somehow think is going to kill me half the time, but hope she saves my life before I end it through a combination of stupidity and passion or just plain apathy.

Being in ACT (Assertive community treatment) is almost more stressful than having SMI.

How do I make this work?

I guess it depends if the treatment team are really that well trained/experienced or just following stereotypes..its not always us.

Its your "evil introject." Thats the bad part of your parent that you could not tolerate your parent possessing and inflicting on you, so you took it upon / into yourself. Like people who make self-deprecating jokes "before other people do" but worse.

Worse because it feels like you simply cannot be nice to yourself. Not super nice, just even basically nice. Like change your diaper feed you pay attention to you nice. Like notice you exist nice. Like kiss you before they leave for work, or when they come home nice. Nothing nice. Its like yeah you have to go to France for that. I wanted to go to France too.

Donald Winnicott is the evil introject guy. I love him. So does Alison Bechdel. I am beginning to think that the evil introject is what some people call the devil. It is perverse and relentless and you feel there is no way out. That to do otherwise is betrayal of some sort.

So basically, una, I can't see anything consistently because I couldn't tolerate a part of my parent(s) and kind of "absorbed" that part to adapt and now that voice comes out and has its opinions (really friggin loudly) that aren't really my authentic view but is experienced so frequently that it feels like such when it does speak up?

Just making sure I'm picking up what you're putting down.

Yes.

Like i once told our friend granite here long long ago - its like a cheesecake with cherry sauce mixed into it. The cherry sauce is the evil introject. You cant separate it out - you destroy the cheesecake. Oooh - or The Fly. They joined dnas. Geez no wonder that movie stuck with me as a kid.

Ya know, cuz we keep seeing you takes these steps, then get disheartened. I learned to distance myself from my mother because her only mode of engagement was to blast me back to the stone age. I keep doing that to myself. Shes been gone almost ten years? Last night i dreamt she read some of my notes in my desk and that maybe that was why she wasnt jumping on me - she understood me a little. That was the first dream i EVER had about her with something positive in it. That understanding never happened in real life. She told me - in my 50's - that i always did everything the wrong way - on purpose, to hurt her. Talk about an ego.

How can I tell if someone else is genuinely a shyt person or if they’re good for my “cheesecake part” but the “cherry sauce” part is telling me they’re (the third party) trying to convince me that everything I think is wrong and saying everything I’m doing “looks good” out loud while they’re waiting for me to screw everything up thinking of all the bodies of wasted potential, I definitely have the most bang per buck?

Is there a way to focus on the cheesecake, not the cherry filling, and accurately figure out what’s going on with the external world (or at least come to a somewhat consistent conclusion)?

I had to recognize patterns in myself, which not even my ts commented on. So for me, other people were not helpful. They need to stay in their lanes, and do what you need them to do. Right now i have a hairdresser and a GP. And occasionally a plumber! After living in this apartment complex for like 30 years, finally my bathtub drains as i am taking a shower. Its ridiculous.

What is / was the problem? My mother thought i needed to be told what to do. I didn't. She just rejected all of my ideas and forced hers on me. I was pretty good at living a false self, but i didnt like it and i was aware it was "not-me."

What worked for me was getting away from her. What complicated things was wanting to be near my nephew while he was growing up. So i lost 20 plus years there.

How are you at saying "no""? I was surprised how bad i was at the exercise in my DBT class.i swear i was the worst. As aggressive an ahole as i am! But it is a protective act. It is being kind to yourself.

For my 8th grade graduation, my dad bought me a broken typewriter. For my wedding shower, he got me a broken sewing machine. W. T. F. Effin hostile. I never clocked it. The office supplies store guy yelled me, "your dad bought you a broken machine. Thats what he thinks of you!" Still didnt register. But its still there mixed in the cheesecake, isnt it. But that was HIS thought, his own father's thoughts - not mine. But youre right - hard to bring the cheesecake forward.

Get safe, get quiet, get steady. If you get off track, get back on. You have someplace to live, thats huge.

ETA - Oops - just read your other post.

I see someone has mentioned parts, introjects and parenting and maybe some info will help the original poster -

"splitting" with borderline personality disorder has nothing to do with trauma, how one was parented, introjects, parts and so forth.

I have dissociative issues and one of my siblings has borderline personality disorder.

splitting with borderline personality disorder is where a person feels so extremely emotional that they cant think straight. they perceive people as good vs evil thinking.

heres the difference between my sibling and I to help you understand

ever reach that point in anger where you just want to throw something, punch someone or whatever.

well a dissociative person (me) shuts that down, goes numb based on their past. and then reacts based on past memories, emotions, experiences.

but a borderline personality disordered person (my sibling) does the opposite.

they feel so much emotion that they perceive the people in their life as good vs bad, saviors vs pure evil.

some places and locations call perceiving people as good vs evil delusional thinking because human beings are not one dimensional (just good or just evil)

for some people medications help stabilize the misfiring of their brains electrical impulses giving them a more stable thinking and less reactive life,

others therapy helps

and still others combination therapy techniques work.

with my sibling she is on medication to help with the delusions and in therapy to learn how to manage daily life, and her emotions.

maybe you and your treatment provider can talk about why and when you see them as evil vs savior and maybe find that emotional trigger and then be able to find that middle ground. it takes time.

if you are on medications maybe talk about your meds with them too.

I have dissociative issues from trauma too, though. I do think it’s more strong emotions getting in the way.

I can’t bring myself to mention this. I know they know it’s an issue given my diagnoses and behaviors, but I don’t think they realize that all the “healing” they think I’ve done has come from this site, workbooks, hospitalizations, etc. and it doesn’t even feel like healing. It just feels like learning how to shut my face before cops show up and how to hurt myself in less visible ways to get them off my back.

Thanks, amandalouise. I always appreciate your thoughtful explanations.

I wasnt making a connection between splitting and introjects, but now i see one. To me, though, they take place in two different like "time zones". Splitting happens in the present, with us thinking the other person is either all good or all bad.

Introject stuff is more self-psychology (not to be confused with Hey i can be my own dr!, but rather, psychological structures of the self, such as a good introject, an evil introject, or what Freud called ego id and superego?). But again, we cant stand to think of the parent as bad, so we kind of split that badness INTO ourselves. I remember it was SOOO hard for me to grasp this concept. I think it is the psychological basis for the idea "and after all that, I turned out exactly like my own parents."

THEN we grow up to be people who split their ts!

Thanks again.