Is this their intent/should I ask if this is their intent?

I have a feeling my treatment team is trying to get me to realize they can't treat me and are giving me the following options although not indirectly (but these are what I see my options as being):

1) Continue "just" seeing them, being admitted to the hospital never more than a few months after the last stay until I come home from one admission or are about to go into an admission so defeated I (maybe at some point am successful in the attempt to?) die.

2) Ignore/do the opposite of everything they say that's either ridiculous or appalling ("take what's helpful and leave the rest" and most of it is not helpful), find my own "treatment plan" of outside support groups, books/memoirs of people healing from similar stuff, chatGPT, buying my own workbooks, doing my own research on ways to recover on your own, etc.

Is that something they intentionally did because they have a gut-feeling strong enough to risk my life that I would recover out of spite, or is that just the effect of inadequacy/incompetence?

So... basically you are saying AA is right, you are powerless?

Why do you think THEY ie treatment folks have any power over you?

Its like, how can both things be true? Also, why arent you a Buddhist? Happiness is the end of desire (as in, no desire).

Is this a chess game to you? In the tone of, am i a joke to you? But as a comedian, i find that phrase disrespectful to jokes. But i effin hate games.

I'm saying AA has a few good sayings like "take what's helpful and leave the rest."

I think they have power over me because if it weren't for them I wouldn't have been handcuffed and locked in the hospital dungeon for a night only to be told by the ER psych people that the IEA was bs. I wouldn't have freaked out beforehand and after hand that I'm going to be stuck in the dungeon again and freak out again and be restrained again and be in enormous amounts of pain any time I walk for weeks again (I was also told I could've gotten a bone infection/sepsis when not caught because "it's an injection of course it's going to hurt for a few days" and then I'd get discharge and a few days turns into weeks into months without me really aware, or permanent nerve damage from that type of shyt). If it weren't for them, I could wake up one day and leave at 6am because there's no bad weather in the almost likely to be accurate next 10hour forecast and I don't have anywhere I have to be at 9am that if I'm not there, police get called. If it weren't for my case manager's inconsistent timing (sometimes cutting appointments short/showing up early to end her day early, sometimes showing up late, sometimes not showing up at all and being like "sorry I forgot I had a job, Sam.") I would sign up for tomorrow's tenant group. If I didn't feel the pressure to prove to them I'm not sick or am sick at a given moment, I could just be and accept wherever the fk I'm at that day and maybe be more willing to work with it instead of forcing it in whatever direction makes more sense to whatever mind (reasonable vs emotion vs wise) I'm in that day/moment. If I wasn't constantly dealing with "new abandonment wounds" when ("sorry I forgot I had a job, Sam.") stuff happens (which feels like at least weekly on average right now), maybe I could properly grieve and accept old ones.

Navigating treatment and dealing with the team specifically feels way more mentally challenging than a chess game, and I have only played like 20 times.

I have desires that I refuse to deny or relinquish the existence of. Sometimes that's cold water. Sometimes that's to smell, feel, taste, and hear alpine air. Sometimes they're not healthy ones I shouldn't chase after, but I do anyway, and maybe those I could work on letting go of, but if I strongly want cold water and it's 105F degrees not considering the fact the dew point might also be 80, I really don't think not wanting cold water at that moment is going to help out a lot.

Is that what i said?

What i meant was, WHY or WHO the power struggle. I know in theater it's man against man, man against himself, man against the world, etc etc etc. But this makes me wonder why the bugs bunny guys happened upon the tazmanian devil, what was going on with them? Youre in that fight. Get out!!

I admit, im on an ozempic high. All my problems are solved. Well, ONE is. Hunger no longer turns me into the tasmanian devil. But yeah major catching up and cleaning up to do.

Yeah, because I'm in a spot right now where I can do anything other than show up, say I'm going to make it through the day, put rolls of quarters in my vagina/bum, and NOT have another IEA filled out and go through that ER rigamarole again, and again, and again... oh wait, I only wish I was.

Im taking my rolls of quarters to the bank RIGHT NOW. Or i would if i had any clean clothes.

Or you could just send them to me.

Why do you need clean clothes? Clearly we have our own pockets!

Yes but with THOSE pockets, nobody can tell that im hitchhiking!

I just imagined watching someone pull quarters out their pockets to pay a parking meter, but it wasn’t their pants or jacket pockets. Casually for the city parking a-holes to collect right on Main Street downtown in between the church and the yoga studio.

So thats why they went to cashless meters.

That’s why they did everywhere but our busiest streets downtown. Gotta let keep people their excitement in before the Sunday sermon ya know?

I think the meter collectors like sniffing the coins and wondering if it came out of the canal with fish or just one that smells like fish.

My treatment plan now, if I’m understanding my cm right, is now to go to the hospital every time I get weighed until the scale says my feet/shoes are applying more force to the scale at the contact point than they currently are or until the hospital finds something wrong that isn’t caused by environmental stress that they can fix (that is bad enough to warrant fixing too, apparently mild anemia and mild hypokalemia aren’t a problem even if they make it hard for you to fix it yourself, like breaking your leg while trying to warm up and not be hypothermic), or until I die and if I try to switch treatment providers I will also be picked up by the police. Is that even legal? I know it ain’t right.