How on Earth am I supposed to forgive someone who badly wronged me that I hate?

Hello everyone.

It feels weird how I first posted on this website for the first time as a teenager as a one-post-wonder and now here I am 13 years later as a grown man finally seeking help on here.

A lot has happened in 13 years (time has a funny way of passing). Namely, I found out last year that I have Avoidant personality disorder and Borderline personality disorder (these labels didn't feel so great to have but at least I knew what it is I have finally).

I don't know where to start. Growing up at school, I was bullied because I was more sensitive than the other kids. My dad (who I loved) wasn't the most understanding father and always wanted me to "man up", plus he was generally quite a fiery, angry person. He sadly died when I was just 10 years old.

The next few years were tough - I started secondary school but then dropped out after only a few months due to some stupid joke some girls made out me (they said I "raped" them, which was untrue and not at all feasible given I was 12 at the time - I felt too embarrassed and ashamed, prompting me to not go back to school for 2 years).

This then lead to me and my mother spending a lot of time at home together, way too much. We got dependent on each other's company, plus I had to deal with my mum saying how she wanted to just get me to the age of 18 so that then she could die.

So we go to a therapist, and she sets me on the right path to getting back into school, and also encouraging me to go out on my own and to start creating my own beliefs etc. This leads to me starting to develop as a teenager mentally, meaning that I start arguing with my mum about things (setting that aside, my mum is a bit of an odd character though I love her, and she can be incredibly spiteful about things; as a matter of fact, I had a lot of unjust treatment from her which was in some ways just as bad as my father).

So, she starts saying things like "I'm gonna get myself another man who is big and will beat you up when you talk to me like that!" etc. Some if not most of the arguments we had were instigated by her talking to me like trash for absolutely nothing. My mum never seemed to understand as a parent that as the parent she was supposed to model the good behaviour she expected from me - you cannot talk like dirt to a child/teenager without them then thinking that that kind of behaviour is acceptable - we learn from our parents after all.

Anyway, turns out she does meet a man - the bastard's name is Dave (she met him in 2011, the same year I signed up to this very forum and made my one post all those years ago). She is still with the man now even, and even though I don't live with them he causes my emotions to be disturbed because I cannot accept he is still with her.

When I first met him I thought something was off about him - but being an innocent 15 year old I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I felt like maybe he would be someone I could go to. So I ended up telling him that I hated my mum (and no, of course I didn't mean that, the same as most teenagers don't mean it - I of course meant that I hated the ugly parts of her personality, but I still loved her good parts, and of course she is my mum).

He really made a point of taking this to heart and making it ten times bigger than it was. He took my words and used them to tear me and my mother apart. She wasn't quite the same with me after that for quite a while.

Anyways, there's too much he did to make me feel uncomfortable to create a chronologically-ordered story here so I will just list some examples of things he did:

• He pushed me up against a wall when I was 18 which was inappropriate and uncalled for given that he isn't my father and isn't even married to my mother
• He often spoke to me in a rude way, thinking that he could use his authority as an adult any way he pleased
• Mum more or less told me that he was interested in what he could inherit from her in the event of her untimely death - just shows what some of his true motivations were if you ask me
• During the pandemic he made threats about snapping my neck right in front of my mum and she still stayed with him
• He is generally a control freak and gets bugged by whatever I do when I stay at my mums (which is now and seldom for me, I am rather independent unlike most people my age who still live with parents)
• The bastard has taken my mum away from me and I feel like I will never fully have her back in some way - she always manages to slip a mention of his name in on the phone
• He is manipulative and it is gravely irritating how my mother can't even ****ing see it - "love is blind" as they say

There's plenty more examples and events I could mention, but they have all either gone to mush due to the passage of time or there's too many to mention - I hope it gives you guys an idea of what I have to deal with. The crazy thing is that I have been living 6,000 miles away from them for 2 and a half years but he still bothers me and I really don't know how to let it go.

Even despite the fact I haven't spoken to him for so long, he causes me stress on a near daily basis. I have emotional disturbances, feelings of wanting to kill him, beat him up; I even punch my pillows a lot and have destroyed a cuddly toy I had in pure rage and no matter what I do I can't let it go. I am still having therapy that I pay for but even they are running out of things to say to me to make it all go away.

So... how the hell do I let this go? Please please help me guys, thank you.

(Just to be sure I won't be having any cops descending from helicopters near my position, no I do not intend to harm myself or others at this time.)

You need a therapist to deal with your feelings about this person.

Your mother is an adult who can make her own decisions.

If you wish to see your mother, invite her somewhere alone when you’re in town. If she isn’t going to agree to not invite him, you will not be seeing her anymore. Do not plan to stay with her when you come to town.

You absolutely do not have to forgive anyone. Forgiveness is grossly overrated and written about a lot as if there were solid proof that it was a necessary part of healing. There are observations that people who are by their nature more forgiving of others tend to be happier overall, but it does not mean that by forcing forgiveness onto yourself you will join their ranks. In other words, forgiveness might be a marker of good mental health but not a decisive factor in it. You are way too young to get that analogy, but it is a little bit like HDL ("good cholesterol"): people with higher HDL tend to have better cardiovascular health outcomes, but artificially upping HDL in people who start with low HDL, say by having them use coconut oil, does not lead to better outcomes.

So you absolutely do not have to forgive, but, I agree with Molinit, you need to deal with the feelings. I agree with other things Molinit said.

In terms of destroying a cuddly toy trying to take your feelings out on it, do not do it anymore but sign up for a boxing gym. You will get a much more intense release of emotions in a structured environment and improve your physical health a lot to boot.

Thanks for your reply and advice, but as I mentioned in my post I already pay a therapist to help me deal with my feelings, but he is unable to help me because there is only so much he can do and some of it has to come from me. Just goes to show what a lost cause I am.

Hi, thanks so much for reaching out - I'm not sure what you mean by me "being too young" though? I do understand your analogy as I am 28, haha.

Your opinion interests me actually - I often hear in therapy that forgiveness is what we need to aim for because it means that you are letting go of your pain, but if you don't forgive you are holding onto it.

I also don't think I should have to cut myself out of my mother's life like I am the bad guy either. Whenever I don't talk to her it feels like he is winning and getting his way, and that he has sold himself the narrative that I have basically been banished (which is not true). She is my mother, I'm an independent person and don't live with her so I deserve to have an uninterrupted meeting with her from time to time, as well as stay with her for a bit as long as she is happy having me there (though it isn't my goal to do so and for obvious reasons I prefer not to; but then this makes me pissed and envious at all the lucky people who get to have both parents still be alive and whom accept their child regardless of who they are.

[QUOTE=needtotalk;7446665]Hi, thanks so much for reaching out - I'm not sure what you mean by me "being too young" though? I do understand your analogy as I am 28, haha.

I am glad you understand it! But say I, at age 28, did not yet know anything about lipids and bad and good cholesterol. So I was referring to how I, my younger self, was clueless.

I totally understand your envy!

Regarding what you hear in therapy a lot: therapy as a healthcare field has a long way to go before it can claim to be evidence-based. A lot of the things you hear are mere beliefs. Beliefs go in and out of fashion. It is now in vogue to say all sorts of good things about forgiveness.

Why do you want to forgive them? You can or not that’s you choice… my partner has an avoidant attachment disorder and if she wrongs me and I decide to forgive her then that’s my choice….
People who have a healthy mind set make their own choice and if they are with an avoidant they set boundaries
I’m not sure if I can help but I am more than happy to listen and share my experiences and findings

I’m not sure how to find this page again so I might not come back in
If you want to talk. My name is Paul

This man threatened physical harm to you and has treated you very poorly. You owe him nothing, not your attention or your time. I wouldn't speak with him at all if I were in your shoes, and I would cut him out entirely. He is toxic. Your mother is definitely love blinded and is not seeing the toxicity or is in denial of it. And she did not protect you from him during the pandemic when he made that threat right in front of her. Sorry, but your mother is extremely misguided when it comes to this man and to what is a healthy or toxic relationship. Your mother doesn't sound very stable herself given her own comments about dying after you turned 18. Those are words you don't say to your child. The entire family dynamic is toxic, so no wonder you have rage and anger in you. The key now is to get yourself to a healthier place... did the therapist give you any suggestion on how to channel your anger and to deal with it? Do you journal or write every day to get your feelings out? Could you write this a-hole a letter, letting out ALL your rage and anger at him, and then NEVER send it? I would give up on trying to convince your mother of anything. And honestly, I think you need to see that your mother has toxic traits as well as this man she's with. They're a hot mess.

Go live your life and find things you enjoy doing, is my advice as well. Don't let this crap swallow you whole. Get out there, get active, be involved and live. Do healthy things for yourself, and exercise self care - do physical exercise to get your energy out. Run, jog, or go to the gym and take your anger out on the pavement if you jog or in the gym. Physical activity helps keep you sane. But don't let your anger eat you alive. That won't do you any good. And maybe try to find a better therapist.

Sorry you've had to experience and go through so much pain. I was bullied as a kid and as an adult, so I can relate to how you may feel. Victims of bullying have to learn how to take their own power back and to stand up for themselves. You don't have to continue being a victim. Walk away and distance yourself from ALL toxic people. That's how you win in life. I'm 54 and have been around the block once or twice.

Forgiveness is really more so for you to heal than anything else. You don't have to forgive him if you are not mentally there. You can acknowledge what he's done to you, accept it for what it is, not condone it, but release the rage and anger... at some stage.

Not sure if this helps any.. take whatever helps and leave the rest. Best wishes to you!!

You have no obligation to forgive your mother's boyfriend. But you are hurting yourself by obsessing over him. That makes me think there is a lack of things going on in your life that can compete for your interest against this dismal obsession.

You are physically independent, which is a great start. Next, someone, other than your mother needs to become emotionally important to you. Work on friendships. That takes extra effort, if you tend to be sensitive and not real outgoing. (I know that first hand.) But it's the only way to build a meaningful life.

For someone like yourself, therapy may actually be somewhat counterproductive. A therapist gives you one-on-one individual, undivided attention, like you got from Mum, when you were a kid. It may almost feel like "love." But, remember, this person is paid to patiently listen to you. Real relationships are not like that. They're kind of scarey. There is the fear that a person may get bored talking with you and go away. A therapist won't do that. We can get addicted to the safety of relating to a therapist and feel other connections are less meaningful. Somehow we have to accept that risking rejection is a part of living a normal and good life.

What your mother said about wanting a tough boyfriend to beat you up is very disturbing. I hope you realize that your mother has serious psychological issues. She lacks maturity. She has gravitated toward a guy who sounds like an arsewhole. That's bad judgement on her part. She must be a rather needy, dependent person. But she is with this guy voluntarily, which is her right. He sounds like someone you'ld do well to keep away from.

At times you will be around him, like when you visit your mom. Work with your therapist on developing tactics for enforcing your legitimate boundaries. Sometimes, when others become rude and demeaning, you have to disengage and withdraw from their presence. You don't have to explain why to them either. Do it consistently, and they'll figure out where those boundaries are.