I Feel Suicidal

My daughter left me 7 years ago(religious beliefs). My wife left me again 7 months ago(called me a narcissist, therapist says I'm not). My son left me a week ago(he has coping skills issues). I had to kick him out for his behavior. He yells, curses, break things, and just stayed in his room playing video games(he's 25, college dropout). My brother refuses to talk to me, he's dealing with minor mental issues. I have no family.

I think I have dependent personality disorder. I'm really alone. I have my own business and struggling with the paperwork, and I'm behind on a lot of taxes and filings.

My house is cluttered and smelly. And thanks to my son, who has been in and out, I have a roach problem.

This is the 3rd time my wife has left me. She left again in April, about 7 months ago. We've been together for 34 years(Im 53, she's 50). She won't talk to me and is very angry when she does. She prefers to text, and she won't talk about us. Also, when she does talk it's like little codes and threats.

I'm scared, lonely, and depressed. I hide in my house. I check my mail at night. I'm embarrassed to be seen by my neighbors. I've always delt with a minor case of social anxiety. I just thought she was my forever. I'm scared. I was sitting on the couch and I felt my heart just stop, followed by a pain. It lasted for about 6 or 7 seconds.

Welcome to MSF @cutman2000 - sorry to hear you are struggling to deal with life's challenges. That must be very stressful.

It sounds like your son created a mess - that is not your fault.

If you are having trouble coping with the taxes and the housework, what do you think about the idea of getting a tax preparer and a house cleaner to help you get back to a stable place?

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

Thanks. I have a cpa(only does the annual corp filings) and a bookkeeper(she's new and trying to catch me up). I met a woman at a gas station, she was driving her decorated home cleaning business minivan, so I got her card.

Hey

Been there, and still have some low days.

My wife and I were together for 25ish years with a family. I just about lost my mind trying to hold everything together.

With regard to your wife, I’ll say these few things that were said to me.

You can’t beg someone to stay and beg them to change.

Is there anything you haven’t said or done that would change what’s happening? At some point you have to accept you’ve said it all.

You mentioned a therapist. I broached with mine if I had narcissistic personality disorder. She immediately said “no, because if you did you’d never self examine enough to question that”. It turns out my wife was the NPD, and I was the one twisted six ways from Sunday.

If you have codependency losing someone feels like you’re dying. Brother, you aren’t. Being alone in the peace is good. For about a year I had to fight against my urge to reconnect. I preferred being partnered to someone at almost any cost. Once the peace hits… My guy…. It’s so good. My house is silent. Right now it’s silent. No drama.

Get some meds to help. Keep talking to your therapist.

Start letting people go. The easiest way is to procrastinate. “I’ll call her later. I’ll text later. It’s late. I’ll text tomorrow.” Until the urges pass.

Hey, another thing I told myself was “it doesn’t have to be forever. Who knows what can happen?”

Don’t pursue ANYONE who isn’t pursuing you.

Start picking something to look forward too. I started with these ridiculous $8 Starbucks drinks. I’d treat myself, with my phone off and indulge.

That grew to treating myself to meals I wanted, at home or out.

Then some real self love began. I treated myself to care; a massage, some exercise equipment

In time it will be self interests.

Please talk to a doctor and your therapist. Please seek out more help.

RDMercer

Thank you. I was told by 2 therapists that I don't have NPD, and I did want help if I did. My "wife" would never question if she could have it, I'm pretty sure of this.
I never cheated on my "wife", even to this day, ever. I really do love her. And I know I don't deserve the treatment I was getting from her the last 10 years. She started talking with a younger male coworker, I found a letter from him. Also, she had a car accident after work one night and I went to the lawyer's office with her and saw that her coworker(that guy) was listed as a passenger in our/her car.

Been there.

Ten years of tortured self examination wondering how I could get everything wrong.

When we separated I found out she already had someone else on the hook for several months.

I was her back up plan. That's all.

You'll get better. And you'll meet others who went through the same.

Bro hug?

You'll be ok.

Two more things....

Users find solid, loving people.

If you weren't solid, reliable, able to provide, able to nurture, able to produce an income, a user would never have found you.

My daughter's therapist said to me, "I don't need to know much about you, I'm certain you're a good person. That's who they find."

My friend, a lawyer said, "If this is mental health, she has to crash. If this is addiction, she has to crash. If you want to get her back, you never negotiate from a place of weakness. Take some time and become stronger. Lock down your finances. She made this choice."

Thankfully, those things instilled some external validation and helped me see value in me.

And.... IF she is moving forward with separation, you have to stop talking. All communications, emails, texts, etc. can be used in family court. At some point, if someone decides this relationship is over, you need to stop talking. Every snippet of what you say can be used in court.

Let's keep moving. OK?

RDMercer

A lot of good stuff here. I'll read this a few times. Thanks.

Buddy, I’m so happy to hear from you. I’ve been worried about you all day.

RDMercer

Thanks.

I'm a little worried about me. I contacted her the other day to talk about our son(I called her, but she asked why I didn't text that about our son-she started raising her voice and being demanding and controlling so I ended up hanging up to avoid it getting worse) and I ended up telling her I loved her in a text, no reply. I mentioned that I had a few lemons from my tree and vegetables from the garden that she could have if she wanted, no reply.

I feel pitiful and I think it shows.

Hey.

I totally get it.

When a solid, loving person finds a disruptive partner, we often carryover stuff from our child hood.

Me - farm boy. I took seven years to get through college because I paid my way working in residential construction, road construction, and even mining. I also did a lot of martial arts, MMA, and weight training. You might think I was an assertive "alpha male". Nope. I kissed my wife's butt trying to have peace. I wanted her to feel safe. I wanted love and closeness, I wanted peace. In the presence of stress there are three responses: fight, flee, fawn.

Fawn is when you make yourself vulnerable and basically beg the person to stop hurting you.

What you just described is a fawn response. I did it all the time for years. "Please, have this personal thing that I created for you out of love, and maybe give me some part of you in return."

Step 1 is, you have to stop that.

Step 2 is, no calls. Assume that every interaction can end up in court, or be used against you in a smear campaign.

My ex stole a ton of money from our household, and caused SO MUCH disruption and pain.

Recently she pulled off this highly staged thing.... She arrived at the house looking simply amazing, with a new car, with a new guy, caught me by complete surprise at the front door, demanded to talk to our daughter, gave daughter $100 and offered to buy her a new phone and phone plan and set her up with privacy apps so her father (me) can't monitor her!

This is a woman who stole the funds for the same kid's college savings, and bottomed our line of credit and hasn't made a payment, and hasn't asked a single question about either kid in over a year!

When I told my therapist about this she said, "You need a doorbell camera. Count on it that she recorded that interaction. That was done to create a response/reaction in you and make her look good."

Boundaries my guy. Step one, the fawn response stops.

Like my lawyer friend said, "If you are hoping to get her back, you never negotiate from a place of weakness."

Start the process in your mind of becoming something stronger. She is draining you, like an emotional vampire. As soon as you shut that off, you WILL start to feel stronger.

There's a pattern with this stuff. When you are around someone who makes you feel like there is no right answer you slip into hopelessness. I am 22 months separated. Last month I slipped into it again. The hopeless times get shorter, and the hopeful times get longer.

I'm worried about you. I really am.

But I'm telling you, Eskie Lover, ArmorPlate108, Have Hope, and others on this board have been there before me and you. They helped me and taught me so much, and I think they are so strong.


RDMercer

This helps me get through.

There are things that are just undeniably true. This is one: humans are an extremely resilient species. We've overcome everything the earth can throw at us. Stories of human endurance are everywhere.

What one person can do, another can do. Believe it. You can do it.

[QUOTE=RDMercer;7454975]This helps me get through.

There are things that are just undeniably true. This is one: humans are an extremely resilient species. We've overcome everything the earth can throw at us. Stories of human endurance are everywhere.

What one person can do, another can do. Believe it. You can do it.


One of my favorite movies, haven't seen it in years. This clip really did help me, thanks. I remember Hopkins having the right mindset throughout the movie. I'm going to look for this film and watch it today. At the end of this clip, the last line, I laughed out loud, that felt good. Thanks.
The state that I'm currently in,...I guess it's a choice? I can change this anytime I want? That's weird but I can sorta understand it. I think a person could be single and happy. I can't see that for me right now, but I guess that could change.

Side Note: When my wife came back the last time we ate out once or twice a week, and I have pictures of her playing golf with me and remembering her telling me that she was attracted to me and wanted to make love to me, all of this within the 2-3 months she was here. And I can't help but wonder how she can just not be with me like that.

Also, I agree with the fawn thing.

Sorry if I assumed your situation was too much like mine. Your story hit a lot of buttons for me.

I’m really glad you checked in.

I’ve not talked to many people that know that movie. I’m glad the clip helped you some

RDMercer

No, ur assumption was right, thank you. I appreciate you sharing your knowledge and experience. I instinctively believe what I'm being advised more when the other person has also gone through it.

A few years ago I was working with a guy and he asked what things I liked to do outside of work. I couldn’t answer him. It had been that long since I’d done something for myself or for relaxation.

Now I can tell you, I love the beach and swimming, I deeply enjoy exercising, and if I could afford it I’d buy a drum set. I enjoy my daughter and teaching her to drive and ride dirt bikes.

Sometimes when I’m craving someone, I just indulge in something I want instead.

What kind of things do you like?

I'm a musician(since 9 years old), I slowly gave that up after my daughter was born. Played a little throughout the years, taught my kids how to read and play instruments. But after the first time my wife left me, I started going to a weekly local music academy here for classical piano lessons(I remember the German piano teacher smiling at how fast I was sight reading, she was really nice). And I also started back golfing again with plans of playing local tournaments throughout the state. But I stopped all of these things when she came back.

Currently I do nothing. Things I've enjoyed in the past: golfing, playing music, fishing, photography, and videography.

That could be depression. Depression wipes out the things we love

But it’s a big thing to see that losing those things correlates with when she was in your life.

There are some people that will drain you, consume you slowly because they’re empty inside. And once you aren’t you anymore you’re not interesting anymore and they move on.

THAT guy…. That musical, creative, artistic, active guy who taught and shared that stuff with his kids…. If THAT guy was around he might be the healthiest one of all of you.

"But it’s a big thing to see that losing those things correlates with when she was in your life." <----What do you mean?

Lots of things can cause clinical depression

Depression on its own can take away the joy and fulfillment we have in the things and activities we enjoy.

So this could be depression

But you say the loss of these meaningful activities coincide with the return of your relationship with your partner

Maybe that relationship or that personality is stifling you and you’re losing yourself because of it.

Hi cutman,

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry about the situation you're in, but hopefully you'll feel a little less alone here.

Losing yourself, your identity, in a less than healthy relationship seems to be pretty common.

That's a lot of where I am in my healing- essentially rediscovering who I am- though I'm doing it while treading water to some extent. Still in a marriage that isn't much of a marriage, but learning that I can take care of myself, and love myself, despite the current circumstances. It's a slow process sometimes though.

Anyhow, in unhealthy relationships, it's fairly common for there to be an imbalance of effort. One person becomes a giver, while the other person becomes a taker. Slowly, over time, the giver gives more and more to the relationship, while the taker keeps on taking without giving much in return. In this imbalance, the giver cuts more and more interests/friends/etc out of their life, in order to placate or do more for the taker. Eventually you can find yourself tapped out from giving too much, and wondering what the heck happened, and where YOUR real life went.

Don't know if you can relate to that, but that's what happened to me. As things got busier with a house, a kid, additional family and health issues, I took on more and more to keep everything running. The things that ended up giving were "me things" that seemed the easiest to give up, but have cost me dearly in the long run to lose. Especially when my H should have been pulling his share of weight so my individuated life didn't have to fall by the wayside.

Again, don't know if that pertains to your situation, but it's a pretty common scenario.

I hope you'll take the opportunity to start reconnecting with yourself, and doing those things that you enjoy again.

Not every day is easy. It's definitely one day at a time sometimes.

Keep on keeping on.

You are not alone. Like many here have stated, go get some help. There are a ton of resources and things are not always as bad as they seem. All my best to you.

"And once you aren’t you anymore you’re not interesting anymore and they move on." wow.

To be honest I thought giving up who I was was a part of becoming a husband and a father. I can sort of see now how that is not accurate. I think I literally gave up my entire individuality.

And now everyone is gone, and I feel like a big empty shell of a pitiful man. I made her my living heart. My air.