Staying may be unhealthy and unhappy, but what if leaving was even worse?

I don't know if my life after leaving my relationship would ultimately be just as good, better, or, most of all, worse, than I feel in it.

Because sure, I may be unhappy, and seriously dislike tons of things about the relationship, but, what if leaving, ended up just being, you know, even worse?

Like, something may already be bad, but bad isn't as bad as like absolutely horrible, right?

So, even if the relationship is bad and unhealthy, if leaving was even worse and even unhealthier, wouldn't it be better to just choose to stay, like, the lesser of the 2 evils idea?

Which would boil down to, just trying to figure out if in fact leaving would be better, or worse - but I feel like that kinda entails a small matter of trying to predict the future, which, obviously of course, is not possible, so I just don't really know what to do, and it has really, really been just eating and wearing away at my mind...

Something that I discovered for myself.
That we have only one life, and it's finite, and time is priceless.
Breaking up will change everything, it may be worse at first, but once you break up and realize that the other person has no influence over you, you can change your life. When you are in a relationship, you always make decisions together, but you cannot decide for the other person, only yourself.

How could leaving an unhealthy unhappy situation be even more unhealthy for a person?

You sound scared to be alone, which is very common. But, clinging to a relationship, an unhealthy one at that, out of fear of being alone is no reason to stay.

I am single and am happy on my own.

Yes, it took a year after my divorce finalized to get to this place mentally and emotionally, but I am far happier than I was being in an unhealthy and unstable marriage.

Being alone and single has many advantages. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. You get to live your life on your terms and no one else's. You get to do what you want and when you want. And you get to build the life you want, without any interference or preferences coming from someone else. It's completely up to you, how you choose to live your life.

So, get your courage up and rip off that bandaid. Staying in an unhealthy relationship can be far worse than being alone. We have only one life to live. Would you rather throw in the towel now and give up all hope of being happy? Or would your rather be brave and have a chance at happiness again in your life?

It's all your choice.

I left after 33 years in a bad marriage. What I found is that after I left, I was responsible for my own happiness & could no longed blame unhappiness on someone else. I got to make choices I knew/know are good for me. I get to choose what my life will be like. I am responsible for handling everything in my life now & adjusting what I need to make it work instead of getting angry at "that other person" for screwing things up. I love being responsible for me. I have never been happier in my life than I am now & it is such a relief not to live around someone who 24/7 was making bad choices that was messing up my life.

Leaving gets to be what you make it, responsible for yourself. That can be truly liberating to be independent. I had never lived alone before that time & my leaving was moving across the country from big city to small town where I knew no one,. to start life over. Best decision I ever made in my life. It is our own responsibility to make life better. For me, leaving reinforced my knowledge that it wasn't me that was the problem. Not everything has always gone well but I have the ability MYSELF to work through the tough things better than I ever did fighting with my husband. & being unhealthy & unhappy. I finally feel peace & happiness for the first time in my life

What have you got to lose? You already are unhappy, so how could it possibly be worse?

Taking a chance means you have everything to gain. Staying means you are denying yourself the possibility of a better, happier, life.

What does staying bring you, apart from misery and unhappiness.

Yes I think you are right and part of it is the fear or at least uncertainty of being alone, but more specifically, not knowing what to do with my life. I have been planning on, and really have a longing for, just living out on the road and being homeless - or nomadic is a better word for it - when/if the relationship ends. This is for many reasons, but mainly because I want to use it as a way to kind of 'rejuvenate' myself and just 'rest' at least for a while. You know, just live and 'be', without any obligations or responsibilities and everything for a while, like I said just to relax and rejuvenate my energies, at least for a while.

But I'm just not really sure or 100% confident on how that may turn out... I don't really prevail in the confidence area very well, so, I think the vast majority of this concern and uncertainty and fear, comes from just self-doubt and little confidence in myself, and being able to do something like this very well. I've been homeless before, at a much younger age even, and didn't even have a vehicle then like I do now, but I just like I said don't really have much faith in my ability to 'handle' it now.

Mainly because I want the freedom, the complete freeness and openness just living and being alive with no attachments, obligations, responsibilities etc. etc. But at the same time, I feel like knowing how I am and how my mind is, I'm going to still feel like I'm just wasting my life and time and being lazy and unproductive and all that kind of stuff. Kinda a paradoxical catch-22 I think...

I feel like the relationship maybe provides more structure and 'a life', and leaving out on my own especially like how I've explained, I feel like will not have much structure or meaning and productivity especially... My mind is so back and forth and conflicting with this stuff... I feel like I don't want structure and obligation and all that stuff, but at the same time, if I don't have it, then I'm so critical with myself feeling like I'm not being productive and wasting my life...

Quote:

Originally Posted by TylerHolmes Yes I think you are right and part of it is the fear or at least uncertainty of being alone, but more specifically, not knowing what to do with my life. I have been planning on, and really have a longing for, just living out on the road and being homeless - or nomadic is a better word for it - when/if the relationship ends. This is for many reasons, but mainly because I want to use it as a way to kind of 'rejuvenate' myself and just 'rest' at least for a while. You know, just live and 'be', without any obligations or responsibilities and everything for a while, like I said just to relax and rejuvenate my energies, at least for a while. But I'm just not really sure or 100% confident on how that may turn out... I don't really prevail in the confidence area very well, so, I think the vast majority of this concern and uncertainty and fear, comes from just self-doubt and little confidence in myself, and being able to do something like this very well. I've been homeless before, at a much younger age even, and didn't even have a vehicle then like I do now, but I just like I said don't really have much faith in my ability to 'handle' it now. Mainly because I want the freedom, the complete freeness and openness just living and being alive with no attachments, obligations, responsibilities etc. etc. But at the same time, I feel like knowing how I am and how my mind is, I'm going to still feel like I'm just wasting my life and time and being lazy and unproductive and all that kind of stuff. Kinda a paradoxical catch-22 I think... I feel like the relationship maybe provides more structure and 'a life', and leaving out on my own especially like how I've explained, I feel like will not have much structure or meaning and productivity especially... My mind is so back and forth and conflicting with this stuff... I feel like I don't want structure and obligation and all that stuff, but at the same time, if I don't have it, then I'm so critical with myself feeling like I'm not being productive and wasting my life...

I would suggest starting off with a structure you can feel comfortable with & establish your confidence in yourself & getting comfortable with your abilities & being alone & being able to know you can handle things that come at you successfully.

People don't successfully "rejuvinate" when they constantly have new circumstances & situations being thrown at them to deal with. Get your confidence & stability established first. If you can successfully do that then you have a better chance in the long run of being successful in a "nomadic" lifestyle. Otherwise it will be like you are continually "running away" from anything that challenges you & that doesn't build confidence or stability in yourself.

The feeling of freedom comes from learning you can handle situations & responsibilities when they arise, not from running away from them. Establishing a small controlable life within your means can teach you a whole lot more, build confidence in yourself & be a whole lot more relaxing & more freeing in the long run. A lot easier to get into unwanted situations being homeless without confidence than building confidence in a more controlled situation where you can grow your confidence with continued successes. Use wisdom in making your choices & make choices that will build your success, not create failure

The mental calculation you are making assumes that you cannot get yet more unhappy in the current relationship. You assume that you will continue being as unhappy as you currently are with certainty. You compare it with potential happiness that comes with uncertainty and wonder if the known evil with certainty might be better than a potential new evil that will come your way should the uncertainty resolves not in favor of becoming happy but the other way around. Other posters have already pointed out other flaws in your calculus and I am writing to add that the assumption of "known evil with certainty" is incorrect. There is a high likelihood that as time goes by, you will become more and more frustrated with an unhappy in your current relationship. And by comparison that will make taking a risk by leaving appear more attractive.

Clearly I’m in the minority here but I don’t always endorse leaving. I’ve seen people end relationships for the wrong reasons, then end up bitter and alone. It happens.

It's not only that.

To be fair... I haven't read the whole thread.

I spent years in self-examination trying to make things work. I think deep, meaningful self-examination is important prior to deciding to leave.

A person can be deeply unhappy in a marriage, but what if that unhappiness is not related to the marriage, but resides in them.

I also think there are situations where, due to basic needs (shelter, food, medical aid) a person is safer to remain in an unhappy relationship.


RDMercer

How will you know you will be much worse if you haven't even tried it? Do you let time pass before you make the decision? Do you wait until some other circumstance happens and then leave? In all honesty, mustering up the courage to leave sounds more brave and the best thing you can do for yourself. What makes YOU happy?

Breakups suck no matter who initiates. But, in the end, it'll be okay. You'll be okay. As other posters said here, rip off the bandaid. It'll take some adjustment, you'll be heartbroken. But at least you could look back and say that you did the right thing for you.

Good luck to you..

You're using the relationship to fill aspects of your life that you are not fulfilling on your own. You're using the relationship as a crutch. That's not fair to your partner. If you lack structure, purpose, and meaning in your life, do that on your own. That's the responsible, adult thing to do here. A relationship shouldn't be a crutch or used to provide these things in life for you. You're supposed to fulfill these things for yourself. Don't stay in a relationship just so you have structure and a life. That's not fair to your partner, and does come across as using the partner for your own benefit. A relationship is meant to ADD or ENHANCE your life, not provide a life for you. You've got to do that on your own.

Living with no obligations and responsibilities sounds somewhat unrealistic. Even kids have obligations unless maybe infants and toddlers. It’s also not affordable. Unless you are independently wealthy, it’s not realistic. “Just relaxing” sounds like a good way to spend a weekend but beyond that it’s not sustainable

You stated you are unhappy but never specified why. Or I missed it. Are you being mistreated? Abused? Are you a bad match? Is your partner also unhappy and is he/she aware of your unhappiness?

I am not sure I understand how relationship versus single hood provides structure. There’s no difference in structure for me. It’s the same. Except of course you collaborate with your partner. How is it different?

Why do you have only two alternatives. Relationship or being homeless. Are you relying on your partner for your room and board? Are you on disability? Working? I’d start by establishing some level of independence first regardless if you are single or coupled. Relying on others is a dangerous place to be