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#1
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Basically, the title says it all. lol
My female friends (who were friends of mine before I met my current gf) act like they absolutely adore my gf and when her and I get together with them I find myself feeling neglected and ignored by my friends because they're SO FOCUSED on her. I mean, we'll be sitting at a table at one of the nightclubs that we go to regularly to see live music and they don't talk to her and I. They only talk to HER!! The last few times one of them never even made eye contact with me the entire time we were sitting at the table because it's like she had blinders on. One of the other women once arrived at the club after we did and, when she didn't see my gf (she had gone to the restroom), looked at me and didn't even bother to say, " Hi " to me or wave at me. The first thing out of her mouth was: " Where's ________? " I feel like they're being very rude and inconsiderate towards me by focusing only on her and not US!! Geez, they wouldn't even know her if it wasn't for me!! I guess my question is: how can I tactfully point out to my gf that I'm sick and tired of being ignored by these women that used to by MY friends before I met her?!! Her and I have plans to go out with them again this coming Saturday and now I'm actually dreading going because I know that the same thing is going to happen and I'm going to feel like a, " third wheel ", so to speak. I'm going to feel like it's basically a, " girls night out " and I'm going to feel totally out of place again because they're so enamored with my gf!! Help, please. She's wonderful and I don't want her to break up with me because she has the impression that I can't handle the fact that our women friends just absolutely adore her. It's so bad sometimes that last Friday night one of them spent a half hour straight talking to my gf without making eye contact with me even once, let alone talking to me. They never talk to her and I. They only talk to HER and I'm sick and tired of it. smh I even got very angry one night after it had happened again. She tried to reassure me that they weren't going to steal her away from me, but I think it's already happened. I apologized to her the next morning for my behavior the night before and promised her that I would never get upset over it again. |
#2
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Do not promise not to get upset ever again. For one, you cannot fulfill the promise because getting upset is basically a feeling and we cannot promise to have or not to have a certain feeling: we do not have that degree of control over our feelings. For another, never is too strong of a word
Do not make promises that are patently unrealistic to keep. Better keep talking to her about this issue. Tell her that you adore her, that you plainly see why these other women adore her, that you are in that sense on the same page with those other women, but that at the same time you feel hurt when they ignore you as if you were a piece of furniture in the room and not a human being.
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Bipolar I w/psychotic features Last inpatient stay in 2018 Geodon 40 mg Seroquel 75 mg Gabapentin 1200 mg+Vitamin B-complex (against extrapyramidal side effects) Long term side effects from medications, some of them discontinued: - hypothyroidism - obesity BMI ~ 38 |
#3
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You're not upset with your gf, and your gf is not the one causing this. I wouldn't talk to her about it and expect her to be able to do anything about it. You can vent to her about it, yes, but I wouldn't approach it as though it's your gf's problem. Can you talk to your group of friends? They would be the ones to speak about it and the ones to bring the issue to their attention. Either that, or stop hanging out with them as much. I would tell your gf that there's nothing she can do about it and it's not her fault, the next time it happens. This is all on your friends. And yes, it's very rude. If it were me, I wouldn't hang out with them as often.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
#4
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" You're not upset with your gf, and your gf is not the one causing this. I wouldn't talk to her about it and expect her to be able to do anything about it. You can vent to her about it, yes, but I wouldn't approach it as though it's your gf's problem. "
Yes, I am NOT upset with her because their behavior is not HER fault. No, I don't expect her to do anything about it. It would be nice if she would tell them that it bothers her the way that they treat me and act as though I'm not even there (even though I'm always sitting right next to her), but I'm not going to ask her to do that. I'm considering talking to one of the women about it, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Not sure how to word it in such a way that she'll be responsive and maybe even apologize to me instead of telling me: " Too bad, Alan. Deal with it!! " The other woman has a history of being rude and inconsiderate to others, so I'm not even going to consider saying anything to her about it. Would probably be a waste of my time and I would just end up even more frustrated and upset than I already am. Thank you very much for your feedback!! I appreciate it!! |
#5
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Thank you very much for your feedback.
I appreciate it!! " Can you talk to your group of friends? " It's pretty much just two women that have been ignoring me and acting as though I'm not even there (even though I was sitting right next to Her Idol at the time she was talking to her). I think that I could talk to one of them about this, but would have to word it very carefully so that I'm not misunderstood and I don't end up getting a negative reaction from her. The other woman has a reputation of being rude and inconsiderate, so I wouldn't even bother mentioning it to her. She would most likely get mad at me and tell me: " Just deal with it, Alan!! " As for not hanging out with them as often, that would probably be the worst thing I could do because if I were to tell my gf that I don't want to sit with those women anymore when we're all at the same nightclub, I'm afraid that she would respond with something like: " Well, what makes you think that YOU get to decide who we hang out with and who we don't?!! " She might feel like I'm making her choose between me and her friends. And I'm scared that she would maybe choose them over me and break up with me. |
#6
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You can share the impact with your girlfriend but more importantly, I would talk to these 'friends' of yours and be upfront about their rudeness. They are the ones causing the problem, not your girlfriend.
How long have you been friends with them? It is really surprising that friends would treat each other so poorly. Frankly, I would not even bother to hang out with people like that. Why would you want to go and be with people who ignore you like that? They are not friends. They are plain rude and disrespectful. Be with people who actually treat you like a friend. |
#7
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Thanks for the feedback!!
" They are the ones causing the problem, not your girlfriend. " Oh, I know. Did it sound like I was blaming her? No, she has no control over it at all. She's been wonderful. It's all on them, not her. " Why would you want to go and be with people who ignore you like that? " Because she enjoys spending time with them. Sometimes we have to tolerate certain people in order to keep our partner happy. I've known people who don't like their inlaws, at all, but they still attend their spouses family functions in order to keep their spouse happy. Know what I mean? We all go see the same local bands on nights that they play. So, I could tell my gf that I'd really rather not sit with those people like we always have when we're all there, but it would create a lot of confusion and I'm worried that it would just make the situation worse. I'm NOT going to keep putting up with being ignored, though!! I just have to figure out how to tactfully talk to my gf about this. That's why I'm seeking out advice. It would be nice if, after I have discussed it with her, she sticks up for me and tells her gf's that she doesn't like the way that they treat me!! That would be appreciated. |
#8
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I am confused. I thought the people who are ignoring you are your group of friends, not your girlfriend's friends? In your last post, it seems as though you're saying the opposite. If they are YOUR group of friends, it is illogical to keep close to this group because your gf decided she likes them and now she is making them HER friends. They were your friends to begin with, so you have every right to distance yourself from these people to keep yourself safe and happy. Yes, we sometimes have to tolerate people we don't like for the sake of our partner, but since they are your friends, at least that's what I understood, then it's within your rights to take action in the face of disrespect. Or, like we have suggested here, speak with this group of people directly and confront the issue. Also, know that you have a choice to go to other music venues and see other bands. No one is forcing you to always go to the same bar/venue every week. You can branch out and see other music. I am sure there are plenty of other options wherever you live if there is live music available. You're not being forced to go the same place every week. And again, I don't advise you to continue to bring this issue to your girlfriend - either confront your friends gently but directly, or distance yourself and go elsewhere. In which case you can simply inform your girlfriend of needing to distance because the group is disrespectful towards you. Know that you do not have to tolerate disrespect for the sake of your girlfriend. That would be masochistic. Remember that.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
#9
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No, sorry, I did not mean that you seemed to be blaming your gf. I just find it hurtful that these people, who are meant to be your friends, treat you like this. I meant that they need to hear how hurtful (rude and disrespectful) their behaviour is, i.e. with you speaking to them. Their response will also inform as to how much of a friend they are to you.
Yes, sometimes making peace is the way to go, but *not* when boundaries are trampled on. Also, they are not family - sometimes we are stuck with family but here you do have a choice. As for distancing yourself from them. Sure, your gf may like them but she ought to understand that they are hurting you. Your hurt is valid. And she should not want to associate with people who so blatantly hurt their girlfriend i.e. you. Bottom line, you deserve better than those supposed 'friends'. That was the gist of my post. |
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