I don't care about my husband anymore...

I just do not think I care a lick what happens to him any more. He does nothing to contribute to his own life, never mind mine or our son’s life. Silly things that, over time, as they keep happening, even though you communicate about it, and all the response you get back is: “nothing I do makes you happy.”
Example: I tell husband we are having meatball parm sandwiches for dinner. Ask him to go buy some fresh bread. He asks “ok I should get no seeds, because you don’t like them- right?” I say: “Just get whatever you want, I probably won’t eat it.” The trip to the bakery was then never made. It’s fine if he didn’t want the bread but…what do other husbands do in this situation- go buy the bread- right? Why can he not contribute this small part of the meal prep? He’s home today, not working. Not like I asked for a full weekly shopping trip, just go buy some fresh rolls. I am just so tired of this ****. I have other examples. Just finally had it, motivating me enough to try to lose weight and lose him. I don’t want to feel like this, but I do.

Hello, and I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. In the other post, you mentioned you two are not too close, and this is always so hard to be at the crossroads of relationships.
The reason that people don't understand each other, is in their feelings for each other. No matter what happens, if you are not close, everything will be not great.
For me, it seems he didn't want to go to the bakery because you said you wouldn't eat this bread. Was he ready to go there for you? I decided so from your post.
For me, it's an indicator that a person wants to help, but he has so little energy, that he prefers the old bread if you don't want any. Many men don't know what to buy and you need to do a specific list of products.
Other husbands do the same often. Men are exhausted with such choices, especially when they work hard.

Hmmmm, sounds like you are just at a point nothing he does will please you. Not a criticism because I got to that point before I left my marriage.....just kinda noticing familiar behavior.

Quote:

Example: I tell husband we are having meatball parm sandwiches for dinner. Ask him to go buy some fresh bread. He asks “ok I should get no seeds, because you don’t like them- right?” I say: “Just get whatever you want, I probably won’t eat it.”

You asked him to go to the bakery but when he asked you to verify the kind of bread, you give him the answer that you probably won't eat it anyway when you are the one who told him what you were having for dinner & asked him to go to the bakery. Your answer was basically snarky.

That is an indication that you have had enough of whatever is going on in your marriage & at this point there may be nothing that can fix that....that is something only you know in your heart.

I know when I left my marriage he could have become the most perfect man in the world & I still would have hated him by that point. No one else could have truly known that was the point I had been pushed on more serious things than something like what kind of bread to buy.

It is important to know the foundational cause of why you are feeling this way & determine if that foundational cause is enough to cause you to end the marriage.

My opinion but since you're making dinner for him and the whole fam (he shouldn't forget that it's for his kids) then it really shouldn't be a big deal and a source for him to criticise you. It's relaxing to go for a little drive to the store for fam. He should say "yes dear, no prob. What else do we need?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul My opinion but since you're making dinner for him and the whole fam (he shouldn't forget that it's for his kids) then it really shouldn't be a big deal and a source for him to criticise you. It's relaxing to go for a little drive to the store for fam. He should say "yes dear, no prob. What else do we need?"

I am thinking of this in terms of the bad marriage I had & how bad it was at the end & if I had gotten an answer like this it would have been taken as very condescending & started a fight too. Lol....sometimes when you get to this point, nothing they do is right

@Wherehaveigone26, are you going to divorce? If this is how you feel, I don't see you having much of a decision to make.

We don’t usually go to stores for one item. Unless it’s an emergency or we have a big company. Otherwise if we want to make a meal, then we make with the items we have. Like if you want meatballs but don’t have bread, you’d cook pasta or rice etc

I think if your marriage is bad, then everything will seem bad. If you don’t have good connection then it’s not really about bread and meatballs

I am not sure why you need to lose weight in order to divorce your husband. If you don’t want to be married then your weight shouldn’t be relevant

I agree with eskie and volsinchy. You kinda sucker punched him when you said you werent going to eat the bread. It was depressing! He went from, providing for his family, to SHE doesnt care - so do i have the energy to do it for myself? And the answer was no, he didnt. It was a mini-divorce. Youure playing with him, out of pride, maybe.

He seems lazy and not pulling his weight. Especially as you identify this as a pattern from him towards you and your son.

It would not have cost him anything to get an item that he and the family (even if you weren't going to eat it) would eat, except some energy. He is a grown man. Taking care of the family means not only working for a paycheck but also ensuring the family's needs are met - and that includes grocery runs. His being tired is not an enough to excuse his laziness.

Men like him use the same old, i.e. oldest excuse in the book, of deflecting and projecting their own 'failures' by accusing you of being the problem e.g. 'nothing I do pleases you'. Typical textbook excuse.

My answer was meant to mean, “i won’t eat the bread so get the one that you like”

Divorce- I don’t know…it would kill him for sure. But some of this is killing me…

If I have the energy to cook for him, why is it ok he doesn’t have energy to participate also?

Sys that all the time-“nothing I do makes you happy”.

I agree with a few posts above. One should not need to go to a grocery store to fetch one item. I almost never do it and I live alone now. For a family, even more so. Part of good menu planning and in general running a household well is doing what is called batch processing (I am not an engineer and inaluna, being an engineer, might explain with more specificity what the term means - I learned about it from a very good audiobook about algorithms in our daily lives). So when you do batch processing, everything is more efficient and you can stay focused on a task. You do grocery shopping for a week or at least for one meal at a time, everything required for that meal. You pay your bills regularly, many at once. Say, I pay mine twice a month when I receive my paycheck. I have bills I pay in the beginning of the month and bills I pay mid-month. Driving to a store for bread alone wastes time, gas, and focus. Your husband was justified in his reluctance to be so wasteful, but it appears that he would have still gone had it been for you. But you said it wasn't for you. And yes, how you said was a remark both depressing and snarky. No wonder he was not inspired to bring the bread.

So in his particular instance, your husband's behavior does not illustrate the point you are trying to make. You wanted to make a negative comment on his behavior, but in reality he was willing to comply with an unreasonable demand to drive to a grocery store for a last minute one item purchase for YOUR sake. He wanted to be helpful.

Maybe this all just shows that you have had enough and everything he does, just the way he breathes air, would cause you to be irritated. And if that is the case, maybe the situation is beyond repair and it is time to call it quits. But I would be curious to learn why, then, of that myriad irritating moments you are surrounded with day in and day out you chose, for your post, an example that doesn't illustrate your point, an example in which the husband was willing to do something for your sake even though that something demonstrated an inefficient method of running a household. Surely he must have done worse things, no? So what was special about this? Or was it just the most recent irritant that preceded your decision to finally make a post?

Do I understand you correctly that you want to lose weight in anticipation of going back on the dating market soon, meaning if you actually decide to divorce? And if so, are you avoiding bread yourself to lose weight? If that is the case, it is a reasonable step to eschew simple carbohydrates, but then why whom did you intend the bread for? For your son? For your husbandm? That wasn't clear to me from the OP.

From the general principle of effective people management, you want to inspire people do be their best at work. Not precisely, but this principle applies somewhat to running a household with the help of family members. Not only did you not inspire your husband to bring the bread, but you disincentivized him by showing that you yourself weren't in the least inspired by the prospect of eating that bread. So it is no surprise that he did not want to bother. If you want to test him, select a dish you yourself like eating, give him the whole shopping list for that dish, and tell him that you look forward to sharing your favorite dish with him but need his help with bringing home the ingredients. Watch his reaction and compare to that in the bread incident. Maybe you will learn something helpful to inform your future big decisions.

Personally what I found interesting that when wife asks her husband to get bread, he agrees and confirms that he’ll buy the kind of bread wife wants. She then says she won’t eat it anyways. So he ends up not going to the store. Wife is upset he didn’t buy bread, essentially for himself? Now perhaps bread was supposed to be for their child, but that was never mentioned in the post

I agree with a previous poster that this particular example doesn’t portray this husband as a terrible partner/person. It’s possible that he’s an awful human being, it’s just the example isn’t a good one. Are there other examples that maybe illustrate the situation better?

@Wherehaveigone26, sorry, but I wouldn't have gone out just for bread either. What's the point of buying something you're not going to eat? It's exactly as @Tart Cherry Jam wrote above.

I do the grocery shopping. My wife will add things to the list that she thinks I need. It goes like this:
WIFE: "Get more guacamole"
ME: "Are you gonna eat it this time?"
WIFE: "No, but I noticed you've been eating a lot of it lately, and we're getting low."
ME: "The only reason I'm eating it is because it's expired and I don't want to throw all of it out. Just put things on the list that you need."

Having written all that, it seems like you need a break, and it seems like your husband is tired and depressed. But that free observation is worth no more than what you paid for it.

slipped on divine, whom I also agree with

Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time in your relationship, @Wherehaveigone26.

Although you quoted a fairly minor example there (not buying bread), I’m guessing it’s like the straw that broke the camel’s back. It sounds like there’s some serious issues here behind the scenes.

Have you both sat down and had a conversation about the fact that neither of you are making each other happy? It doesn’t have to be argumentative or confrontational, just an open, calm and honest conversation, which you could initiate.

I’m not sure that any relationship is easy, no matter how much love and respect couples have for each other. As much as, in an ideal world, the mundane day to day living tasks should be shared amongst each of you, I’ve found there are times when for various reasons I’ve not been able to pull my weight, and my partner has had to support me. Conversely, I’ve done the same - when my partner worked in an exceptionally stressful job, and worked very long hours (a job, which I should point out she loved and enjoyed), I took on the bulk of the work keeping everything going, and was happy to do so - I wanted my partner to be happy and successful, and I knew how much she valued me doing this and appreciated it.

I guess my point is, you seem to have lost your mutual respect for each other, and I think when that happens, you need to have a conversation.

I hope you’re able to resolve your issues, and if not, then you can find the strength to change things. Life is short.

Forget I said anything - seems I am the bad one here. Yes, the bread was for his meal. It”s just an example of anything I want is not complied with. So he lives his life in the basement and I live mine above ground forever. Until one of us dies. No biggie.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wherehaveigone26 Forget I said anything - seems I am the bad one here. Yes, the bread was for his meal. It”s just an example of anything I want is not complied with. So he lives his life in the basement and I live mine above ground forever. Until one of us dies. No biggie.

This example didn't "make you the bad one". What it shows up is that you are fed up way beyond the bread & probably deeper than not being "complied with". When we get fed up, we let it out until we have had enough. Only then is when we try to really do something about it.

I let a bad marriage go for way too long & the last 13 of the 33 were #@[[ before I was finally able to leave. We feel trapped when they can't/won't change & the behavior is something we can no longer tolerate. Living in the same house even if separated is very stressful. I get it, but I also look back at the last 13 years when I was living married & in the house with him....my tolerance was zero & I became as abusive as he did just in a different way because I had enough & at that time there was no way out. That is not a good place to be in. When I finally got out, I was so surprised what peace & happiness really felt like even though he caused me some major legal issues I am still dealing with after the divorce.

I don’t think you are bad at all.

In your last post you said “bread was for him and he didn’t comply with what i want”. So you want something specific for him to eat? It’s not very logical. Bread wasn’t even for you.

I think a better example would be if you are sick and have a high fever but he refuses to go to pharmacy to pick the meds. That would be an example of a jerk. I’d not want to be married to someone like that. Would he drive to get you meds if you are sick?