Unrequited love is crushing me.

Dear internet friends. I'd like to share my latest experiences with unrequited feelings.

Like many of us, I experienced a lot of distress in my life. Things going wrong for various reason. But what I’m feeling now is unlike anything else I went through. The friendship I have has been the source of the most growth in my life but also the most pain.

I have a friend who I met at college. She approached me once before classes and we clicked instantly. We see each other regularly, once a month minimum. I know it doesn’t sound like much but I’m a distant person and to me it’s a lot actually. Sometimes we see each other more often of course. Each meeting is bliss, we discuss everything, and in my opinion we created serious emotional intimacy where we both know we care about each other deeply. Compliments, laughs, meet-ups spanning hours and hours. And its still is like that, it’s the same from the start. The only thing which doesn’t work in our friendship is the texting, i usually initiate and I wouldn’t bother if I wasn’t getting such positive feedback in person. She even got me a little gift lately. She suggested the next meeting herself when I last saw her. It’s very confusing because if she acted how she texted I wouldn’t bother. But I’m clingy so texting is just my problem I suppose.

What really messed me up, and what is the core issue of this bond is that for the longest time I wasn’t aware of her long distance relationship. We both failed to deal with it. She never mentioned her bf, and I never asked if she was available. I learned about her relationship a few days before I wanted to ask her out. I had everything planned etc. so I was getting ready to release all this tension and then I heard from her that she’s in a relationship. I really believe in justice, ethics, morality I’m a meek human being concerned for others and this has led me to not share what I feel as I believe that it’d be unfair towards someone in a relationship. Mind you I learned about her relationship after like 2 years of friendship. I assumed such a fundamental thing would’ve been brought up by that point, especially considering the bond that we have where we shared our problems talked about family and so on.

It’s been more than 6 months since I have learned that she’s unavailable. I do worse at school, I used to near a scholarship now I just care about surviving and passing. I also picked a specialisation which I don’t like so I been less engaged at school. Im in so much pain I wish it could stop. I don’t have any bad thoughts but I’m afraid it’ll progress and I’ll spiral. I can’t afford therapy, where I’m at it starts at 60€ per hour, I’m enrolled to courses which I need for my occupation and I just can’t pay for it. My college no longer offers free sessions for students. So I rely on friends and family but I’m like a broken record talking about the same things, besides most of them hurt me more than they helped. “Find a new one”; “just move on”; “it’s infatuation not real love”; “you only like her because she has a bf” “do you think they **** without rubber?” some of the bangers I heard from my close ones. Of course others have provided me very comforting words for which I’m very grateful. Problem is, nothing I tried gives me relief. Im improving my diet, going to gym, trying to focus on my interests and existing friendships but none of this helps. I’m constantly stuck thinking about her and feeling constant emotional pain.

I read a lot of **** online and none of the advice seems feasible for me. Many seem to advocate distancing yourself but I just can’t leave her. She’s a valuable friend which didn’t do anything wrong it’s just my male brain screwing me over. I didn’t want this, at first it was just a friendship and I was used to having female friends. I developed these feelings gradually.

In my life I ended up in a very peculiar environment. Private schools, very smart people, smarter than me, wealthier than me. This lead to me feeling like a a reject and I was impressionable and my self esteem was down in the dumps. So I started drinking, spending money on clothes, and I changed my character to fit in with the norm. I set out to blend in with them and become liked. I succeeded, but I paid the price of my true self. She helped me tap into who I really am. She inspired me to change myself for the better. I'm 1 year sober thanks to her.

Sometimes when I was on my way to high school I’d look out the tram window and imagine having a magical other which would understand me and how it would be us against all these people which weren’t evil, they were just different. I fantasised how we would not care about anyone else and we would do the quirky things we liked. How we would chill at home, make dinner and cuddle. How we would read books to each other. I created a very clear image of this person and the set of traits and characteristics I’d love to see in a partner. Sadly this friends fills too many of them. She has flaws too, which annoy me but that’s life. She’s the friend I always dreamt of. And this is egoistical to put so much pressure onto someone since I may have idealised her but objectively she has some great traits that can’t be ignored. She is everything I ever wanted. People tell me I’m eccentric and meeting other people that are similar is not easy, especially in the environments that I’m in. I’m not special, I just have odd beliefs and interests.

I can’t consider other romantic options. This woman is my girlfriend in my head. Since we’re close, and I didn’t know of her partner, dating became a formality in my head. And the things she was doing were confirming my idea that she was into me because I held such a belief. So it was just a big case of projection and confirmation bias. Maybe she only was being friendly.

I really wish I could tell her how much she means to me. Not to change anything just for her to understand. My disgusting mind has hopes that maybe she’s undecided or considering me as a partner, but I just can't carry this anymore. I want to tell her not in the full extent but I want her to know how I see her. I need upfront closure so bad. I feel like both of us were sending mixed signals.

I don't want to distance myself because we always have a blast in person and its not like i see her a ton anyways. I can't see how I'll move on from this. I'm so unintrested in making new connections its crazy. I have my social circle, but I just dont want aynone else but her. I was unaware of her bond for too long and it has caused me an emotional crisis. I should've asked earlier, but I didn't because im terrified of rejection and I didn't want to scare my friend away.

I know its not her job to tell me about her relationshisp I shouvle just asked but the places we went to and the way we spent time together seemed romantic to me. Walks in parks, caffes, museum, bookstores, intimate conversations. Always one on one it messed me up. What makes matters worse is that I dont know anyhting about her bf, and I learned about him almost accidentally. Its not like i was told about him, I found out myself by being an active listener, and asking many questions. Thats why its so hard for me to get closure. When I first heard of him I didnt even know if its a current thing or a thing of the past, no information. I still don't know anything about him except for the fact that she was with him when i asked a few months ago. I know so much about other parts of her life and this really bothers me.

This sucks. And I keep panically reading ****** online articles which invalidate my feelings further. Create distance, make new connections, set boundaries. I don't want to do any of this. I want to spend time with her because she's awesome.

sorry for this being wordy and chaotic but its really tough for me. I want to respect her the best I can,

I would tell her to choose. What exactly is the nature of this long distance relationship? Is it someone she actually knows who is away, or is it an online person she never met?

I agree. And the relationship cannot be THAT serious if she did not care to even mention it during 2 years. Ask her questions. If it seems fitting the situation, tell her what you told us. No shame in it.

You say you go to the gym. Do you do really intense cardio workouts there, stuff that gets you close to your max heart rate? HIITs? If you do not, try them, as they clear the head better than slow exercise. Something about blood flow to the brain.

Consider also that what is crushing you is not so much unrequited love, but that you keep the feelings for her inside yourself and she does not know.

If you tell her and she doesn't reciprocate, you may feel weight off your chest because at least you have expressed your feelings. And there will be less uncertainty and ambiguity. People in general find dealing with uncertainty difficult.

Also, if you tell her and she does not reciprocate, then you will be well within your right to call your love unrequited. At least you will earn that important right.

lol. where did I say that I blame her for anything. My entire point is to be respectful towards her. I have no resentment towards her, it just caught me off guard that I wasn't aware of a very basic aspect of her life.

We sometimes met more often.

I appreciate the practical tip. I need to experiment more with cardio.

that's a valid point actually about it being more about unspoken feelings rather than anything else .

I agree, I'd feel a lot better if I got it out. Im afraid of affecting her with this info tho.

First of all, I just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound like you're in a lot of pain that has been largely dismissed by the people and articles you've come across. I can definitely relate to how easy it is to get into your own head about these things, especially when combined with fears of rejection - I had a similar experience of virtually (read: in my imagination) dating a female friend for a year, despite knowing she had a bf. You can create a living nightmare for yourself, swinging back and forth between desperate hope and despair.

Here's what I'm getting from what you're saying: You have a vision in your mind of what you would like the relationship to be, and the fact that it is not there causes intense frustration, and probably a lot of other unhappy thoughts and feelings. I hear that you don't feel like you could have a relationship with anyone else, but you are terrified of telling her how you feel, because she might say she isn't interested.

My question for you is, what would it mean for you if she did say no? Does it feel like that would somehow make you unloveable, or unworthy of love? I ask, because it sounds like this has been built up so much in your mind that a significant portion of your happiness and mental well-being is now hanging on her, and how she acts in relation to you. With that much at stake, you will always be afraid of losing her, even if she said yes. And that will cause it's own problems, believe me.

One of those problems, is a strong temptation to rationalize and sift your past experiences with her, as you have been doing - that's what the logical brain does, trying to connect the dots until it can explain it in a way that gives you some sense of control and stability. But you will never find that outside of yourself, because she is an independent person, with her own hopes, dreams, and values, and yes, they often won't align with yours. All that thinking about "well she did X, so that might mean Y or Z" is ultimately just distraction from the fact that the only way you will ever know what is happening with her, or how she feels about you, is to ask. The same way the only way SHE will ever know those things about you, is if you offer that information. Directly. No subtle hints or cues. Period.

But my guess is, the deeper issue comes from a struggle to feel like you are enough, just as you are, so you are trying to find it in this other person. You are a good person, and you are worthy of deep love and connection. Do you believe that, when you read this? If not, why? This is where I would suggest you start.

If you can believe you are good enough, all on your own, you won't be so worried about whether she has feelings for you or not, because you will have reclaimed your sense of self-worth. And that will benefit any relationship you have in the future.

I'm not saying that's easy to do - it's f**king hard. It may require a lot of sitting with yourself, journaling, thinking about past experiences, or talking with ChatGPT. It may also require a therapist, if the journey becomes too painful to go it alone. And you may uncover some painful stuff that led to the beliefs that hold you back today. But once you understand where they came from, you can finally start to let go of them. This is the only way to really break free of the cycle you're stuck in.

You’re a saint.

Thank you for understanding. You listened to me and I feel quite relieved by your comment.

You got most things right but this one. I don’t fear to tell her how I feel because I will hear that she’s not interested, I believe that an upfront rejection would help me actually. I fear to tell her because it could jeopardise our friendship which I cherish. It could seem like Im trying to win her over, or like im a sly guy. I think it’s inappropriate to tell her knowing she’s in a relationship. Even if she reciprocated I wouldn’t want to be the one who causes a breakup or some discord in her life.

If she said no, I’d feel sad of course but also relieved that she knows how deeply I value her.

Your point about subtle cues is very true. I find it funny because I was always moralising my friends about this but I couldn’t deal with this myself.

It’s hard to be on my own because of the way I was raised I suppose. A relationship is a very big source of happiness for me. And I know that theres this notion that you need to be happy on your own but I just can’t seem to agree with this. I agree on the self-wroth part tho, I struggle with this. I feel like im not enough, always.

You can word your confession with a qualifying preface.

Based on what you wrote in the above post, you would not confess your love to woman who had a bf. Say that to her.

However, and here comes the qualifying part, you hadnot known that she was in a long distance relationship until 2 years into your friendship with her (I might be a little off with dates, but you know the timeline best).

Without realizing that you might step onto somebody else's turf, during that long period of friendship, you allowed yourself to develop feelings for her.

You are certain that you would have nipped those feelings in the bud had you known from the start that she was in a relationship.

In no way do you blame her for not mentioning her relationship status sooner.

Rather, you are simply explaining the context and providing a backstory.

Now, having felt so deeply for her for so long, you have reached a point of no return.

And at this juncture, without imposing on her or trying to win her over, you simply want to confess your feelings for her and express hope that she would allow your friendship to continue as before despite your confession, and that said confession would not make her uncomfortable. If her existing relationship is to her liking, you hope she will continue with that other gentleman and you do not wish to cause her any discord.

If any of these short paragraphs ring true, you can experiment in incorporating them into how you ultimately tell her.

Well put.