lack of attachment to my father

I don't really know the point of this post, a rant maybe? I just cannot, cannot connect to my father and never have. Growing up, he was mentally and physically abusive, never really a person I could turn to, one I always felt I was never good enough for, despite graduating valedictorian of my high school class. He hated that I read fiction and wanted me to take more interest in his business (which unfortunately was next door to our house). He repaired things, it was a paycheck-to-paycheck thing - TVs, VCRs, cars, trucks, tractors (pretty much he has a gift for looking at and examining anything electronic or mechanical that breaks and being able to fix it given time enough for him to understand how it works). Later, once I'd moved out he'd start getting larger contracts for upkeep on cotton gins, city water treatments, cabinet making shops, but it was a hard time financially back when I was in school living paycheck to paycheck and his wanting me to be out there handing him tools as he explained things I had no chance in h*ll of understanding or as he chatted endlessly with his customers (which definitely slowed his work output).

Still, the thing about my father is I am almost sure he has Aspergers or something very like it. He talks nonstop and in excruiating detail about his repair projects (no normal person has a hope of understanding any of it). Later, he became a born-again Christian Bible thumper. Now, I'm a Christian myself, but I loathe the Bible-thumper form of Christianity...he can converse on that in great detail how everything is rotten because of Christianity being removed from X, Y, Z how the devil is causing this, that and the other while on the other hand I'm thinking, you know BAD PEOPLE are causing X, Y, Z, and the other.

In an even worse move, he's become a Bible-thumping Trumper...this sits badly with me and my husband especially. Many times forgetting that my husband hails from Los Angelos he will bemoan the fact of Californians coming to Texas (and if you'd hear him with the sole purpose of ruining the Texas economy and not because things are hard economically to make a go of it for many in California) all in the presence of my husband no least, so this has made my husband ranting so on a 1.5 hr. drive home from our last Thanksgiving out there, I was afraid H (normally the best of drivers) would have a traffic accident.

No one can connect with my father really. I don't know, somehow my mom has stayed married to him for 48 years, but she always gives in to his wishes. But my friends from college, my sisters' friends, my uncle when he was dating my aunt, EVERYONE who meets him for the first time just concludes right away that he is not normal.

I feel guilty for my lack of connectivity to him, especially given that he probably does have undiagnosed Aspergers, tried to re-establish it for awhile but gave up at the Bible thumper stage and now adding to Trumper to the thumper, OK, well can I have even less to try to connect with please?

I just look at my daughter and the relationship she has with H; she was his little princess from day 1. In his eyes, she pretty much can do no wrong and I had to mete out the discipline when she was younger (though because of my experience of my father spanking me so much often with a belt, I only spanked my daughter once, by hand when she nearly throttled our new cat in a manner which would either send the cat to the vet or kill it and even that I felt awful about but I had to get her to understand not to hurt the cat). Luckily, as a teen my daughter is a lovely young woman, not a problem at all with her.

I guess I just wish that kind of relationship had been possible with my dad especially now that he's getting older, but I guess some things are what they are.

Thank you so much if you actually got through this long post!

I never had much of a relationship with my father after puberty. Before that I was his Tom boy and it was easy for him. But he was a man’s man from the greatest generation. Pretty stoic. Then when mental illness hit at 25 he couldn’t deal. Blamed my ex husband and cut me off. I had no relationship with him the last 10 yrs of his life. He died pretty young, 63. It’s sad.

@Nammu That's so sad. You are right; your father died young.

My dad is 72 and still hasn't retired. I doubt he will until illness or age catches up with him. He just had to have operation on a 2nd hernia a couple weeks ago because of trying to lift too much for his age while working on his truck. I try so hard to find compassion for my dad especially with knowing he's likely got Asperger's or something like it but you can't undo those years when I was a child with an angry, abusive father either especially when my sisters and I were all really good kids and we couldn't understand why we were being yelled at and punished so much. If it were my mom alone, she would barely have punished us for a thing, my dad punished and spank way beyond an appropriate age (to around 12 or 13). And of course, I didn't really know anything about mental illness growing up and even less about Aspergers until I started researching my daughter's sensory issues and how often when speaking her voice takes on a monotone quality but she doesn't have nearly the anger and rage of my father and seems more varied in her interests but all these things are a bit of a spectrum as I understand it. And even if my father always did feel misunderstood by others, it wasn't his right to take it out on his kids and even worse, my mom just to stand by and let it happen. I've had some issues with forgiving my mom for this but I've finally let that go; from what I understand she married to get away from an alcoholic father who'd come in at times raging he was just going to shoot the place up and didn't care if he killed them all, so things definitely weren't great in her own paternal experience; though finally my grandfather did stop drinking and was a wonderful granddad until he passed away.

It’s interesting to read about your experience. From my own experience, my relationship with my father grew more fractious and polarised from my early teens onwards, getting gradually worse each year. As I got older, I realised that he was a misogynistic, racist, homophobic, emotionally unstable man. We were polar opposites. Eventually our relationship totally broke down, shortly before he died. His final words to me were spoken in hate and anger. I tried really hard to communicate with him, but in the end I think it was an impossible task. However, it has left me feeling like I have a gap in my life. I wish it could have been different.

Your sense of guilt you said you feel resonates with me, but sometimes in life you do your best and things just aren’t meant to be. The fact that your relationship with your daughter is excellent is a credit to you, and I think it’s things like that which are worth focusing on. You got it right with your daughter.

I often felt like I had to be the parent in my relationship with my own father - especially when dealing with his bad behaviour towards other family members. I wonder if you did too? It shouldn’t be that way around.

For many reasons though, some people just aren’t cut out to be parents, and they find out all too late that they can’t cope. I guess it’s a question of how bad are they going to be and what devastation and legacy will they leave behind. As the children of those parents though, I don’t think we should carry the guilt.

Jeff.

It’s hard to be a child and on the receiving end of misplaced anger. Children always think, “what did I do wrong” I’m sorry your dad is like that.

Nova, I don’t think most people think though having children, especially back in the day. If more people thought about it I think child hood would be much better.

Jeff,
Thanks for sharing your experience. It sucks that sometimes the people who are supposed to be there for us just are not. My father's beliefs are so polar opposite of my own and he is 100% sure his beliefs are right and that he's absolutely got to make you come around to his side, it just rankles me. Now when I have to converse with him (such as when I call home and he picks up the phone and my mom is not there) I'll pretty much make up an excuse for having to go that instant such as someone's at the door or the oven timer just went off. It's sad I can't connect with him at all. With my mom at least there's a connection even if I don't agree with the way she always caves in to my dad's opinions. At least she doesn't bring up politics or religion and is relatable to converse with. It makes me feel like a bad person for giving up on connecting with my dad, especially given that he obviously does have Aspergers or if not that something very like it.

It is what it is...sigh.

You sound very similar to the dad I grew up with. I had zero attachment to my dad & my mom was the one who told me that he really loved me. My dad would spend his tkme at home out in the garage working on broken watches or other things. My parents had no friends & even as a kid, I noticed the few things at church they were invited to were because everyone else was invited & they couldn't leave them out. When there I would hear my dad arguing (not just discussing) things with men I knew were intelligent & sounding so stupid. I was embarassed to even say he was my dad. I was so thankful he worked nights so I never had to go to the father/daughter activities of the athletic club I belonged to in Junior High. If my dad said I should do something I guaranteed I did the opposite....like going to college. He didn't want me to go, so I went & was the first one in the family to get a degree & it was Accounting & Computer Science.....just to make my statement heard loud & clear.

It took me until after I left my own marriage after 33 years & trying to sort through what went wrong from even before the wedding to realize it was the same issues I didn't like about my dad & why there was no attachment to eather. With lots of good therapy that & lots of research on aspergers it seemed like both were somewhere on the spectrum & in both cases, attachment was not possible for me & obviously for them. My dad died when I was in my late 30's. My now ex thankfully is 2100 miles away after I left but the financial damage he has done is much worse than my dad did to my mom....but it was the same attitude issues that created the problems.

I never once thought "what did I do?" I knew exactly what I didn't like & had no desire for attachment. Just figured I had to live with it until I could get out.....both with my parents & my marriage. I have lost both my parents & my ex is far away.....but life is so peaceful & calm now, I don't miss any of that past & I sure don't feel guilty not missing it. I hear wonderful functional families & marriages around me now & I am happy for them....it just highlights & reinforces my understanding of just how dysfunctional my parents & my ex actually were & makes me thankful that is no longer in my life

I'm just here to tell you I'm sorry you have to carry that.

It's not you.

It's hard to reach a point that you stop expecting things from your parents, and just accept that they, for whatever reason, can't or won't give you what you need.

It's not you.

RDMercer