What am I supposed to do about my idiot brother?

What in the hell am I supposed to do? I'm ready to just drop him off at a hotel for a week or at a homeless shelter and tell him now YOU figure it out.

For anyone who reads all of this, I only wish I was just making this up.

I'm 62 and my brother is a 60 YO adolescent. He's been in the hospital for a month after a friend of his and I finally got him to the ER. He had massive infection in both legs and feet, and his kidneys had almost shut down.

It's another separate long story just to tell how he got like that, and part of his problem is his denial and excuses for how this happened.

The hospital has been looking for a skilled nursing facility to take him, but none here will because he's not 62. They did find one in a neighboring city which then backed out and said because of an impending snowstorm, they would not take him because they didn't think they would have enough nursing staff to care for him.

Today the hospital told me he no longer needs IV antibiotics and can take his antibiotics orally, so they're ready to discharge him and I need to find a place to put him right now, today.

I spent the entire day driving around town and on the phone, and there is nothing.

He cannot go back to the house he was living in--some details on that below for anyone who reads that far.

He has no money. He's been approved for ST disability from his job, and it was supposed to show up today but didn't.

Our 81 YO mom doesn't have room for him at her house. She already has our youngest brother still at home (50 YO), his daughter and some friend of hers living with them.

(Anyone see a pattern?)

Our 86 YO dad doesn't want him in his house because my brother has thoroughly pissed him off somehow. And dad's house is ALMOST as bad as my brother's--just doesn't have cats.

I don't want him in my house because he's such a pig and an ***. Besides he still needs a walker, but I have stairs and carpet in my house. I don't think it COULD work. And I'd probably end up killing him.

He has abysmal credit and has run up 14 credit cards and never paid them, so he's disqualified for one low rent apartment complex and likely others--but they're all full anyway.

His friend from work subtly lectured me one day about his "loyal friends" at work, but will one of these "loyal friends" step up and say he can come live with them? I seriously doubt it, if they really know him. The lecturing friend doesn't have room either.

I was ready to take him to a neighboring city homeless shelter but then Dr. said he won't release him to a homeless shelter.

In his rented, trashed, filthy, disgusting, pig sty, hoarder house there is no heat except plug in space heaters, and it's 11 degrees out right now. When we got him to the ER:
- He said he had not eaten in seven days
- No hot water with a gas water heater only and no gas supplied to the house
- No working refrigerator
- No working kitchen stove
- Water/sewer/trash were shut off for non-payment
- Car has body parts falling off and taped on, needs minimum $500 repairs and his insurance was canceled for non-payment
- Has two cats who had been crapping and peeing everywhere because their litter box was a solid brick from not being cleaned
- House full of these collectibles but some getting destroyed or degraded in his filthy living condition
- He has many years history of getting many months behind on his rent with this landlord (he tolerated it because he's a friend of our dad)
- Dirty dishes piled high on kitchen counter and in sink--some with black mold on them
- Toilet bowl was filled with excrement from no running water to flush
- House and everything in it REEKED, including the cats

(The cats have been at my house for a month; we had to have them groomed and bathed because they stank so bad)

It's not alcohol or drugs.

It's what I consider an addiction to comic books, sports collector cards, dinosaur figures/fossil bones/fossil eggs, Transformers toy figures, Marvel and DC comics superhero figures, NFL cheerleader memorabilia and Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders in particular.

Our parents and I have been clearing out his filthy pit of a house. I have power of attorney for his medical decisions and now for his finances too. I've been selling off part of his collection as I have time in order to pay his many unpaid bills, and moving his things to a storage unit so we can end lease on the house. I have no idea what kind of damages he's going to have to pay for what he's done to this place.

I meant to talk to a bankruptcy attorney today but never made it because I spent the entire day looking for some place he could stay for a time.

He has totally screwed himself a dozen ways from Sunday.

Oh I’m so sorry. That sounds so hard. I’ve no idea, what to say. I’ve a cousin who’s in bad shape too, his mother took care of his apartment cause he wouldn’t. But she passed a year ago. I’ve no idea where he is now. His brother and sister took over and we’re looking for nursing homes. He lost his foot from not taking care of himself. He around his mid 50’s.

I talked to some people about a low rent apartment for him today, and they said "Don't we all have brothers who've screwed up their lives?"
I think we need to start an "Idiot Brothers Anonymous."

Omg I am so sorry. It’s awful. It looks like you are trying your best. So they won’t release him to homeless shelter but ate going to release him to house with no heat and running water? Social service just have to be involved at this point.

I made a report to Adult Protective Services today. I don't know what will come out of that, but it's at least start of a paper trail for whatever road he continues down.

They should come and check his place out. That’s a good start

Agree with what's already been said.

As frustrating as it is, you are taking good, logical steps.

Has your brother always been this way? Or has something "dropped off" in the last few years?

I ask because your story reminds me a bit of how my dad slid downhill as he went into early dementia. Dad was in his sixties when it started. Your brother is a little young, but it's not unheard of either.

Either way, one option you might be able to look into would be residential care facilities. I learned from dealing with dad that this type of care facility is more common in some areas than in others, and that the cost varies too. Here, a residential care facility looks like a regular old house, in a regular old neighborhood, but it's a fully licensed and staffed facility where people who need full time care can live. The houses operated by the woman who took care of dad for a while, were set up to house about 6 people per house. All the basic costs of living were included in one fee.

My dad was particularly hard to house because he was physically strong and mobile despite his brain failing him. That made him a potential threat to other patients who were physically vulnerable- no nursing home would take him. I feel for you, I vividly remember calling anyone and everyone I could find a number for, trying to locate appropriate housing for him, and then sitting on the sofa between calls, sobbing in utter frustration. It was a lot of dead ends. Eventually, I ended up calling a random senior assistance group a couple of counties away, and they were the ones who got me into contact with a group in the local area. You just never know who will have your answer. Keep talking to people.

My advice would be to just keep calling and talking to anyone who might have a lead for you. If you can find a local organization that's something along the lines of a council for aging, someone there might have some ideas for you, or even another direction to point you.

Praying for you and my heart goes out to you.

Thank you. To answer the question about whether he's always been this way, that is sort of a multi-part or multi-stage answer. He's always been a slob and he's always been an arrogant, know-it-all *** whom no one could tell anything. Yet he has somehow managed to endear some of the folks he has worked with to him.

It was one of these friends whom I worked with to finally get my brother to the ER five weeks ago. He was more subdued when they were talking about likely partial leg amputation, but now he's feeling better physically and they have ruled out amputation at least for now, and he's becoming a pain in the *** again. He makes it very difficult to even want to try to help him. I've already told him a couple of times if you make this too hard, I'm just going to put all of your stuff that I'm trying to sell into storage and drop you at your house in whatever stage we've gotten to in cleaning it up, with all the documents where I've been trying to get your finances straightened out, and then you can figure it out on your own, and you can figure out how to pay your bills on your own with no freaking money.

He's 60 YO. Our mother is 81. He has been pathetically whining since the night we took him to the ER that this happened because she refused to do things for him, and I have very energetically called him on that particular BS. But as I said--no one tells him ANYTHING. That holds especially true for me.

APS declined to investigate, and whatever psych resources were involved by the hospital said there isn't a psych issue. (1) He's very manipulative; and (2) it seems to be a very limited evaluation that he denies being suicidal and he denies being depressed, therefore no psych issue.

Now the hospital is talking about discharging him and sending him home tomorrow, but his house is not livable yet. There just has been an incredible amount to do, he has very little money to work with, and both our mom and I refuse to get in too deep financially with him. Or I should say, any deeper than she already is with him after 40 years of enabling him by fixing his car when it broke down, etc.

But at some point I will walk away and let him do whatever he will stupidly do, for the sake of my marriage and my own sanity.

Wow, 60 and still thinks mummy owes him favors! Is he the youngest? Wow just wow. Maybe it’s different for women, but I’m the youngest and I moved in with mum when she was 86 so she could stay in her own home. I made the dinners and drove her everywhere. Now I’m 66 and on my own but I know my daughter will be there for me, not the other way around. I’m sorry ApS refused to investigate. It doesn’t sound like he’s inclined to look after himself so I see a repeat hospitalizations for the same thing when he doesn’t take care of things.

It sounds as though this is a longtime issue, and not an easy one to deal with.

If he should, even in theory, be able to care for himself, then he should be expected to do that. You've done your due diligence. At this point it's probably okay for you to give him some expectations and boundaries, and then to step away from the situation.

Perhaps if things go bad again, rather than stepping in to help immediately, you call APS at that point? See if they'll get involved at a low point instead of brushing it off after the fact?

My feelings about mental health and other services for those who clearly have issues, has become very negative over the past ten years or so. There have been a couple people in my life who were clearly compromised and in need of some kind of help, and yet there seems to not be much assistance in the way of intervention. Rather, the involvement doesn't come until the situation turns catastrophic. That may just be my experience, but it is my experience.

If you choose to step back and distance yourself, that's not only your right, but a healthy thing to do- both for you and him. You can always keep one eye on the situation and report it if it starts looking bad again. But above all, don't feel bad for prioritizing yourself and your family

He was the youngest until after our parents divorced and mom remarried. There is also a brother 11 years younger than him.

I can see this so clearly how our mom has enabled this stupidity since we were little kids.

How’s it going? Is he back at home now?

Sounds like this schizophrenic dude I used to know. He invited me over, no lights, no running water, he pretty much just sat in a moldy chair listening to a crank radio drinking lukewarm tea all day surrounded by piles of trash, books, and like 400 hats. It was really sad. He ended up having a break, got aggressive with the treatment team, and is in some hospital as far as I know now.

Your brother clearly can't take care of himself. I don't know the Kansas system too well, but here if someone gets hospitalized they're supposed to have a safe place to discharge to. It could be a homeless shelter or an acquaintance's couch for all they care, but you have to have a clean place to go to for a shower and be safe. I mean, people lie all the time to get out, but they tend to listen if a family member or case manager say "hey, they can't go back there!" and better options are worked on. If Kansas doesn't do that, maybe next time he's hospitalized (sounds like there will be), he can go out of state to somewhere a little more helpful?

No, he's still in the hospital. Long story, but there's something weird going on with nursing facilities. The hospital has wanted to get him out of their acute care center for weeks, but he still needs "skilled nursing", but no nursing facility will take him. The excuses vary, and some facilities that his insurance said were in network said they don't take his insurance. Wednesday he was supposed to move again, and again the facility that supposedly HAD agreed to take him backed out.

I was ready to just drop him off at a homeless shelter, but the Dr. said he won't discharge him to a homeless shelter. Then the next day they did surgery again to remove more scar tissue from the open wound area on one of his legs. Then a couple days later they were going to discharge him "to home" again.

It's a mess and he's a mess.

How is it going? I had a brother who was somewhat like your brother. He lived in squalor. Was in and out of hospitals. Last year, he overdosed, so he's gone now.

As far as getting him transferred, the hospital social workers should have been working on that. I'm sure they did, to some extent. But I know hospitals will dump that on family, if they can. (I have a good bit of experience dealing with hospital social workers.).

I respect the doctor's refusal to transfer your brother to a homeless shelter. Just staying at the acute care hospital may have been the best thing for him . . . while it lasted. If an accepting, subacute facility can't be found, let that be the hospital's problem. It's not your responsibility to make up for a healthcare system that is refusing to accommodate your brother's need for care.

I'ld be interested in how this got resolved. I've known of other situations where individuals were not placed in facilities appropriate to their needs. I've known of individuals with serious dementia who were left living on their own, despite gross self-neglect. The system is corrupt. (And it's all about money.) Sometimes the best way to advocate for a family member is to hang back and refuse to solve the problem for the hospital. Let them solve it. There's people who have put less effort into "placing" their own parents, who had none of your brother's issues.

Have to assume you don't have enough problems of your own. Are you familiar with the term "codependent"? My younger brother was dying of alcoholism (before he became addicted to heroin.) The heroin probably save his life, as it removed his craving for alcohol. My father died first, then my mother. My younger brother was 40 years old at the time of our mother's death. (He was her favorite.) At the funeral service, my younger brother turned to me and said "I guess this makes us orphans." Think about that for a minute.
I was living out of state and came home to attend a family get together. He was there with his wife and two young teen daughters. He was a wraith. I pulled him aside and told him I was going to get him the help he needed, but I wanted no more lies from him. His wife was using too. The next words out of his mouth were lies. I had the city social services kick down his door and take his kids. I had the police stop by and talk with him. I buried him last week. He had been clean and sober for over 20 years. He started each day on his knees and ended each day on his knees with a prayer of thanks for another day of sobriety. He worked the 12 steps daily, and each day he became a brother I could become more proud of. He never thanked me for what I did for him and my mother's grandchildren. He didn't have to.