My ex came to the house

She dropped by today to see our daughter, unannounced.

She looked incredible. Honestly, beautiful and much younger than her age, in nice clothes, with nice jewelry, in a new SUV.

She blamed me, in front of DD, for my profound and constant anger that ruined our home. She told dd that she was never exposed to my relentless anger and was shielded from it, that I’d done it all behind closed doors late at night.

My wife also told me that I was alienating and causing problems in the kids relationships with her.

I let them talk alone for a while.

Our daughter spoke to her for about an hour. The first time in well over a year. Her mom told her she was moving into a big apartment with two beds for her and her brother. And told her she could buy her a new phone with a data plan so that I wouldn’t know that they were talking.

DD is very confused right now. She wants a mom. But… She said, there were too many “twists” in her mom’s version of things.

She said she is scared it will affect her relationship with me and her sibling if she pursues a relationship with her mom.

I’ve been left questioning reality ever since. And I’ve sunk into a dark, dark state of thinking. I already feel hopeless and like there’s no positive future in front of me. Just from this interaction. I’m fighting off the hopelessness right now.

I’m scared of being guilty of alienation for even trying to coach dd through the gaslighting she experienced just now.

I’m also scared of dd changing her mind about things she said AFTER I’ve now put my neck in a noose and stuck up for the kids in court.

And she’s scared her brother is going to find out about them talking because he received abuse from his mom.

This is the ability to create disorder, disharmony, and appear the victim while doing it.

RDMercer

I really want to be invisible right now.

I don't have children, so I don't have any advice. I just wanted to send a virtual hug and say I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hopefully others will have some more concrete ideas about how to support your daughter.

Her showing up one time doesnt mean anything, doesnt change anything. I would say exactly that to your daughter too. You all will wait and see, that's all. No reason to go off half-cocked because she cleaned herself up for one day. You still got this. Slow and steady wins the race.

Her showing up unannounced was aggressive behavior. If this is the first time in a year she’s shown up she’s unreliable. Where is she getting the money for all this? Beside stealing it from her kids? Nope don’t second guess your position. Just because she pretty doesn’t make what she did or said less toxic. Don’t be influenced by her looks, looks are superficial

It’s not that I believe her because she’s pretty.

She SURE wasn’t the down on her luck looking person she portrayed in court 5 months ago.

She told our daughter she would get money for back to school shopping, get her a new phone, and a new data plan.

Showed DD that she’d bought new glasses and told her about her new car and her new bigger apartment, and that she was looking for a better job.

Ok….. Her most recent job was working retail. This is a good lifestyle for working retail.

She is parentifying your daughter. Man. Plus, i think your daughter needs to be protected from her cycles, not get her hopes up that everything will be okay from now on. Its not a matter of betraying brother.

I wanna see her stay away until she has 90 days sober and 90 AA meetings in 90 days. I feel so bad for your daughter. The sins of the father are visited upon the children. She will have your same hopes.

@unaluna

I don’t understand this part

The sins of the father are visited upon the children. She will have your same hopes.

I guess I don’t get how she’s parentifying my daughter too.

RDM

Well... she seems to have used the element of surprise, and her knowledge about you and the kids, to her advantage. How she showed up, how she presented herself, the accusations in front of your kid, the carrot of her new life and gifts that she dangled in front of DD.... From an objective standpoint, it almost seems thought out and orchestrated---- especially given how long she's been entirely MIA.

Of all the people in the world, she probably knows how to push your buttons better than anyone. Given that she's shown little to no interest in the kids for so long, it's altogether possible that the show today was more to get to you, than it was about connecting with DD.

That's a sticky situation with the relationship between her and DD- and your involvement as a concerned parent. You've said that DD has a counselor? Perhaps the counselor might be the person to take this to? Then DD can get some help with her feelings about the situation that could be seen as less tainted by you?

Ugh, IDK, but am so sorry you're dealing with this.

Wow

Insightful @ArmorPlate108. I never considered this was to evoke a reaction more than anything

Just walking a tightrope with my replies to DD right now. She has a counselling session in 10 days so not soon enough.

This has invaded my sleep, my dreams, and my peace so much.

@ArmorPlate108 said it very well.

@RDMercer, this was deliberately calculating and well orchestrated by your ex, aimed to tear you down and make herself look wonderful and appealing through the process. Just like a true narc.

I am so sorry for how you are feeling as result of this latest assault.

If you could stand back and look at this attack on you from a 10,000 foot height, watching her do this showboating act, and how she interacted with you and the kids, can you see that it was meant to bring down your self confidence and kick you down, yet again? Can you see how deliberate and well planned out this latest attack was?

Dressing herself all up to all look beautiful and well put together, with a brand new shiny car, a new and much larger apartment, along with new manipulation tactics to wrangle in poor DD? Her poison is oozing right back into your home, exactly as she had planned.

I am APPALLED at this monster, oh excuse me, malignant narcissist's behavior. I am disgusted by this woman. She has stooped to a new low. This latest maneuver almost trumps other vile and despicable things she has done to you and your poor kids.

If it were me, I would call her and very firmly and without hesitation, inform her that she is NOT allowed to come to your home uninvited or unannounced. Give me her number and I will read her the riot act for you.

She has right now succeeded in making you feel horrible and depressed, all over again. Please don't accept or absorb her poison.

Imagine yourself taking a wonderful bubble bath or shower and washing all her evil darkness off yourself., down the drain. Or maybe you're bathing in a gorgeous waterfall spot in Hawaii. Wash her poison off you.

I also think ArmorPlate's suggestion of having DD speak with her therapist before accepting this secret phone... OMG.. a secret relationship? Can you see how disgusting this woman is and how she will stop at nothing to manipulate you and the kids?

OYE!

Can I please hug you and slap her at the same time?

Can you see how covert this is, though?

She gave DD an envelope of cash for back to school shopping

Never mind that’s she’s wiped out umpteen sources of savings and increased my monthly payments with interest in an unsecured mortgage. She’s taken in excess of $10,000 for the kids at this point, but showed up and offered her a phone and cash for shopping. And cried a lot.

And she brought a male friend with her.

And DD is going….. A new phone and shopping would be nice. And that’s an awesome car. And I miss my mom. It would be good just to have fun with her again.

And if I say anything and it gets back to her, I’m guilty of alienation of their relationship.

I’ve been sick to my stomach for 24 hours now.

It's called: trying to buy back your DD's love with THINGS, not real relationship love & trying to drive a wedge between you & your DD.

I would call DD's counsellor immediately & try to get her in earlier than the appointment so DD can just talk through her feelings. I would also call your lawyer & let him know what your wife is doing. There may need to be some new rules set until the divorce is final.

Ok, your wife is using all this to impress your DD & try to win her over through confusion & dress pretty & new SUV???? Maybe she just rented it for a day to impress.....may not really own it. Promises are empty words until fulfilled. Definitely wouldn't trust her farther than I could throw her. Sounds like all lies & manipulation not reality

She brought a man with her? Wow.... SMH.

This is JMHO, so take it with a grain as someone who only knows what you've shared here.

Everything she did yesterday just reeks of control. Everything.

She wants something, has an agenda, and is being very clever in how she's approaching things.

My concern is for your DD. That she's essentially attempting to love bomb her in order to win her over, and use her. It's hard to buy how much she wants to be a loving mom when she's spent an awful lot of time as an absentee parent- by choice. It feels like a power play. And your instincts are good in that you have to be very careful about how you respond. You might see what she's doing very clearly, but if you say it, then you're the one who's trying to be manipulative and controlling with DD. It is disgusting, and very covert on her part.

I was also going to suggest seeing if the counseling appointment could be moved up, in light of the new developments. DD needs someone to help her, and you probably can't, or shouldn't, be that person - given that it could be used against you.

(((RDM))), I'm so, so sorry this is happening.

So sorry.

Honestly I don’t believe you are required to allow unannounced visits. Since you separated she has not seen the kids. That means she needs to go through legal channels to establish official visitations. She can’t just show up. Honestly could you contact a lawyer and describe the situation. And don’t forget to add that she brought a boyfriend with her and offered to buy secret phones for her kid.

Typically parent who moved out can’t just show up, can’t just sit in your house, bring other people and give out cash. That’s not how it works.

Car likely belongs to a man. Not hers

And of course she looks young and pretty. She isn’t running household, working demanding jobs or two jobs to pay bills, paying mortgage and raising 3 kids. She lives alone in a small apartment, has ton of time to keep herself groomed and men take her out. Pretty easy life and it’s not hard to look fresh and young with this life style

I thought you had it legally set up where your wife can’t just barge in like that.

What your wife did was intentional and all transactional. She WANTS to upset you. So she got some guy with money. Not surprising because she is a user and has this guy convinced she is a victim. Users don’t love or respect. This guy will eventually see this about her.

Tell your lawyer what happened. Remember, people who act this way are insecure and selfish. Don’t react because this is what your wife wants. I’m sorry you are so badly triggered, everyone posting to you can tell your wife is selfish and abusive. And she is probably still abusing alcohol.

I don’t think she is allowed to just show up and demand an audience with your daughter like that. After all you do have full custody. Please talk to your attorney.

Remember, narcissists cheat and lie and like to create illusions.

Yeah. It’s an easy way to look your best.

While giving back a fraction of the money she took as a “gift”.

I’m off work today. My stomach hurts and I’m in so much physical pain. I can’t believe how I’m reacting to this. This is what it was like 16-17 months ago.

Thanks everyone

I was able to get us all into a family counselling session on Tuesday.

And through my works EFAP supports I am accessing a counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse tomorrow morning.

I’ve had the luxury of being emotion and heart driven in an awful lot of things in my life.

Going against my emotions is new for me.

Your wife is an emotional abuser. When you are exposed to someone like that you don’t feel safe to have your own emotions. Instead the environment is all about them and their emotions. She just reminded you of that in a very intrusive way.

Healthy people don’t disrespect and disrupt like that. Not good for you or your daughter. What your wife just did was very selfish.

Dude, your wife is Lucy and she is holding an emotional football for you and your daughter. Dont let her do this to your daughter.

Maybe sit down and google the peanuts lucy football strips and look at them, with or without daughter. You need to gird your loins!

I dont know who hurt Charles Schultz!

Actually I would be concerned for your daughters safety as your wife is prone to driving under the influence. Also you don’t know this strange man she was with. He may also have substance abuse problems. Your children already admitted that they don’t feel safe when your wife is behind the wheel of the car they are in.

I would have notified the police that your wife showed up and you are concerned she may be under the influence driving around. They will have her on their watch list and will pull her over and give her a test. Given what you shared she will probably fail the test.

One of the things you are learning to do is listen to others in a new way. People actually tell you a lot about themselves if you listen and allow yourself to see them instead of seeing what you want them to be. You put your wife on a pedestal instead of seeing her for who she really is. You always gave her the power and she used it against you. She never loved you because she doesn’t love. That is hard to understand if you are honest and good hearted. And this other guy? She won’t love him either and will just look to use him too.

People like this don’t change. It never means you are not worthy, it’s just who they are as a person. Toxic people do leave others feeling inadequate and hurt and they struggle to consider a new relationship for fearing being hurt. Toxic people just go from one partner to the next and they tend to do that all their lives. They need their ego fix and feed off of drama. They never feel satisfied and get bored.

In the brief time she spoke to my daughter she promised everything

She’d practically stopped drinking, she was working, she was moving into a higher paying job, she was in counselling…. All the key points. But the root of it all was me. All these things had occurred because of my chronic anger.

I think this is coming to a halt though.

DD talked to her oldest brother who just simply said, Then I won’t be home anymore

She said it was her right to pursue the relationship she wished and he had to respect that.

He said, I do, but it’s best for me to not be in contact with anyone Mom is talking to. She was abusive to me and dad, and I’m not risking compromising anything before I say that in court. And it’s too triggering for me to be around.

She was pretty dumbfounded and turned to me.

I said, I can’t change this. What you are saying and feeling is valid. So is what he is saying and feeling. I can’t control his choices on this.

She didn’t like that he was making her choose. He said, I didn’t create this.

Then he asked her how things were in the past year.

“Really good. “

“How has it been in the past 24 hours? And who was the source of that? I’m not giving up my peace. Eventually you’ll see who she really is again. Good luck with where you land when that happens.”

DD went and blocked her mom on everything again. And my stomachache went away.

Good news about appointment!