Schizo affective religious messages

Hello, my name is Robben, the spelling of my name as it is in the Torah, confirms that my life will last 712 years in heart and soul. Yes I know that is only attributed to a quality of faith that preserves my lineage. Being diagnosed affective though can either feel like I will leave behind a legacy, or live out an affective depravity of total victimizing. I have paid my love to write contracts to have her control of all thoughts, actions and decisions about my behavior.
I have even paid her to make the choice, and decision regarding my longevity, and for her to decide how long I may live. So this is Affective Behavior either a biblical hero of survival strength, or a death wish, based on gender psychology. Yes I am either a spiritual embodiment of great heroics, or suffer the trauma of my own depraved sense of sexuality. Being Schizo Affective is that two way street of social influence. I can find great solace in all statutes of overcoming, dating back to when the hymn "we shall overcome" was seen as a great survival tool. On the other hand I have lived in such complete defense of living victimized. That my truth becomes dark. My life is not a nightmare, and yet I can entertain thoughts of forfeit as a victory. Not exactly suicidal ideation, but somehow that in terms of emotions it maybe my companion is worthy of the embodiment of my soul as her honor. This is spirituality to me. Not really love, and hate, but a type of internal trauma in which I feel a type of doom in my projecting feelings, and ask for my fate to be delivered.